Tuesday, April 29, 2014

“I’ve come to realize I don’t need someone who will set my world on fire. My life has a way of bursting into flames more often than I’d like. What I need is someone who will help soothe my burns and remove the smoke from my lungs, showing me exactly how I can learn to breathe again.”
— dw | Ignite

Monday, April 28, 2014

I'm much much happier lately. Total 180 from being super upset the other night. Although I can never thank my girlfriends enough for being there for me when I needed someone to talk to.

Gotta keep the good vibes and positivity going.

Writing wise, today was a good day.

I got a lot done today, and by a lot I mean compared to lately which has been zero to me it's a lot. I need to keep this going.

My submission to thought catalog got passed on which honestly, I wasn't too heartbroken about this time around because honestly after several days went by I hated what I submitted more and more. But the awesome part about it was, how much I expressed I wanted something published and the producer of the site emailed me back. This is the first time anyone has ever responded to something I've sent into TC by the way, and she said they're gonna pass but if I really want something to go up, I can send her another piece I've been working on and she can see if it's game to get published.

And it just so happen after I read this email, naturally I had this really awesome conversation with my friend that involved my grandma wisdom and it inspired me to write about it. And I was much much happier this time around with what I sent in. (because I currently did not have something I've been working on) So I emailed that to her and hopefully since she seems like she's rooting for me that will go up.

It was the best rejection email I've ever received I think. So far at least.

I also recently joined the hustlegrl.com team which is a music and cool stuff blog by the crazy talented hustlegrl, Karla Moy. Finding something to submit has been looming over my head for the past weekend and today I found two articles to things to cover. Each of them being relevant TODAY. So it kind of worries me when she will get around to posting them because I know relevancy is key to these kind of things.

This is all pretty exciting considering I slowed down for a while on writing and submitting so this is like really getting the ball rolling for awesome things to come this summer.

I need to really stay focused and work hard at this, this summer. There's no option here.
“Do it or don’t. It’s amazing how many things in life are that easy.”
— Henry Rollins

Friday, April 25, 2014

“There are certain
names
that will always
taste like regret and
stomach acid
on my tongue.”
Michelle K., People I Decided to Let Go

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Video: Why Engagement Rings Are a Scam





This seriously blew my mind. The thing is I took a class called contemporary narrative that told me a lot about traditions and where the silly things we do come from along with why they're so irrelevant now in 2014. But after watching this video, it really makes you stop and question everything in life, and cry that this man ruined the excitement behind this inanimate object.



Note: These are actually all facts and if you know me you'd know how heavily influenced I get by a solid backed up explanation. My feelings have made a complete 180.

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Currently learning the hard way right now..

4 Things All Women Learn The Hard Way
Thought Catalog

We are all works in progress, and we can learn from the mistakes of our past and help avoid similar ones in the future.

2. Your friends are probably right - When you are with a man that all of your friends are warning you against, chances are they are right to caution you against said fool. Your friends are either speaking from experience or from a place of common sense that your love-sick self cannot comprehend at the moment. Next time you ask your best friends for some advice about the toxic relationship that is keeping you up at night, actually take their advice. Your friends only want to make sure you are happy, safe, and emotionally stable. That is more than can be said about previously mentioned fool. Your friends being right

3. You need to put yourself first, and no that’s not selfishness -There is nothing wrong with wanting to support others and devoting as much of yourself as you can to helping those you love. However, it is critical to remember that you must have your own back first and foremost. You must advocate for yourself and avoid situations in which you are constantly sacrificing yourself and your well-being. You need to fight against the “people pleasing” personality that leads you to be passive/quiet in situations and agree to things when you are just merely trying to avoid confrontation.

4. Forgive yourself - You are not perfect. You are human. You are flawed. If you agonize over your every little mistake you will go crazy. Take a deep breath and ask yourself, “will this really matter tomorrow, next week, or even next year?” The answer is usually no. When you do truly mess up, then you need to admit your mistake, try your best to make things right, and then move on. Stress is a silent killer girl, and you are digging your own grave with all that anxiety.

It's Called Your First Love For A Reason - and my thoughts.

Thought Catalog

It’s the first time you kiss someone while crying harder than you ever have before, harder than you ever knew you could. It’s the first time you realize that it’s not possible to run out of tears. It’s the first time you realize that the person who can make you the happiest is also the person who can bring you the most agony.

First love — it’s the first time you hold the bow, and let someone else pull back the arrow aimed at your chest. First love is trusting them not to let go, trusting them to protect your heart.

First love is never thinking, or expecting, them to let go.

It’s called your first love because it’s also the first time you feel what happens when it’s over. It’s the first time you’ll feel as though a fist ripped through your chest and gripped your heart, pulling it out. It’s the first time you’ll cry so hard over another person, you can’t breathe. It’s the first time you’ll feel completely helpless, like a baby deer that hasn’t quite learned to walk on its own yet. It’s the first time you’ll feel like you’re reaching out to grab something, then realizing it’s smoke, and it disappears between your fingers. 

It’s the first time you blame yourself for something that perhaps wasn’t even your fault — maybe it was, but you’ll never know for sure — and it’s also the first time you’re entirely responsible for the way you feel. 

It’s the first time you put yourself at fault for loving too much. You blame yourself for throwing yourself completely into the relationship, for letting yourself become absorbed into them, for thinking your first love was going to be your last love. It’s the first time you give more than you have to make another person happy, but at the time it was okay, or so you thought, because their happiness was your happiness and in assuming you’d be together forever, you believed that as long as you kept them happy, you’d be happy. This is the first time you blame yourself for caring too much and, in doing so, losing yourself.

Hearing the words “I don’t love you anymore” for the first time — it hurts, and it hurts bad. Nothing seems to hurt as much as hearing your first love tell you you aren’t theirs anymore.

It’s time to stop living in a fantasy — losing first love is realizing your life is not a young adult novel, no matter how hard you wish it was, and that things won’t work out in the end. You will not end up with them. They’re not sitting in their room every night, spread out over pictures of you, pining away for you and wrestling with their deep, ever-present love for you that they can’t seem to extinguish. They aren’t confused, they aren’t struggling to keep themselves from calling you or walking down the hall to knock on your door. They don’t care anymore — it’s as simple as that, and the sooner you realize this, the sooner you recognize that first love has come to an end, the sooner you’ll be able to move on and enjoy your life and the wonderful things that are to come they way they’re already doing.

When first love ends, you wonder if you even knew what love even was. You wonder if what you had was real or if you felt that way (or if they felt that way) because that’s what the movies told you to feel. When first love ends, you are left feeling lost and alone, sad and confused, and absolutely hopeless.

First love hurts.

When first love ends, it leaves you second-guessing yourself, your self-worth, who you even are. When first love ends, you realize that there’s now a hole in your heart, an absence, a space, something missing. You acknowledge that you’ll adjust, that your heart will shrink back, even though you don’t feel like it will. But when it does shrink back, it will always be a little loose where your first love used to be. There will be scars, and they won’t go away.



 This is so unbelievably true, I've been thinking a lot about stuff like this lately. 


Sunday, April 20, 2014

“Scare the world: Be exactly who you say you are and tell the truth.”

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Standards

I need to sit down and right down what I'm looking for in a person. My wants and needs. Right now I'm so confused on what I want in terms of really wanting badly not to settle. I don't care if some of these things on this list come off a little shallow, I mean they can go under wants. Like dressing nice, or being a little above average stylish. Even though we all know I ain't no fashionista I do try sometimes, or like to think I try. So I want to see him try too. That's fair right? I don't care that girls are supposed to look nice and shit, this is 2014 everyone, man, women, dog should look good.

That's just one example. I heard or read somewhere that it's important to make these lists for yourself. So you don't get confused, you've thought about what you can deal with and what you can't and I'm realizing uh yeah this is kind of crucial.

I just don't want to be resentful, or put up with major parts of someone and feel like that big nasty word I said above I'm settling. I'd rather be happy and alone than end up feeling like I could do better/I deserve better.

Oh, and I also don't want to feel like I have to change anyone either. I'm no longer a girl looking for a project or down to start a project.

I deserve to find the person that I want that checks off most the boxes. I understand not everything is going to be fulfilled but that comes with figuring out what's important and what's not.

I deserve to get it what I want god damnit.

I don't think that butterflies, and chills are sustainable. Not because people are inherently incapable of staying excited about each other, but because when we first fall in love it isn't just about the other person. It is the thrill of finding someone who believes that you are funny and attractive, who laughs at your jokes, and is willing to believe that you never wear sweats to bed. Someone who can look at you and see this very best version of yourself and believe that it is actually you. That is thrilling
- thought catalog 

Friday, April 18, 2014

I can't take this anymore

I've made a decision to just go for it and be honest about this massive ass crush I have on this person. I don't know when. Maybe when school starts. Maybe I'll get super anxious and do it this summer but I really want to just be open about it and go for it. I have nothing lose and it bothers me that I haven't been able to make it clear. It's eating away at me that I haven't gotten the opportunity to display or say how I actually feel (in the most laid back way possible, of course). So I'm going to do it at some point.

We'll see.

Sometimes I'm all talk.

But I want to. The desire is strongly sitting there in my mind.

I'm okay

I'm okay.

This sounds so stupid. But I'm fine. I lurked an instagram, that I definitely have been avoiding looking at just now. And I'm fine, I will live. It was obviously exactly what I expected to see. But as I'm transitioning and coming to terms with a lot of things, it really gave me a slap in the face to keep moving forward onto bigger and better things. Which I know will come.

It's just such a good feeling being able to handle it. Looking back at all the bullshit I did, and put myself and others through. It's like everything is just so therapeutic to think about.

I'm proud of myself is my point. I'm very proud of myself. Fore everything. Everyday I'm learning.
“Instead of writing,
I would rather be saying
all these words to you.”

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

This Blog Is Lacking

Music. I don't post enough music on here. Now that I think about it, I hate myself for that. Music is so important to me. Most the time while I'm writing I'm listening to music, or it's the reason I'm even inspired to make a post.

That is something that will definitely change from now on. I'm going to keep this up with what I'm loving and obsessed with, excited about, and been striking a serious chord with me.  

I don't like to come off high and mighty with my music opinion because that's not me and I've said that before so this is me saying right now. It's not going to come off in a way where I know what's best or your music sucks and mine is awesome. I respect everyone's taste and opinions always. This is just how I'm going to give a little more insight into who I am and what's important to me, music.
“It’s like having homework for the rest of your life.”
— David Duchovny, in “Californication”, on being a writer.

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Not Able To Forget

Does it ever get any easier? Because I'm really starting to think it won't and it's been over a year. (Don't get me wrong, I have come a very very long way)

I just still remember everything. I remember his voice, the different tones of voice he'd use to say certain things. I remember what he looked like when he played guitar, his smile, the piercing colour of his eyes. I don't need to go on do I? I'm sure the point is understood. I still remember too much for me to be okay with.

It makes it hard for me to say convincingly that I'm over this person. It's making it hard for me and everyone around to believe that I don't miss him any more and I'm okay with the way things are. Those two things are true, but how close to bullshit do they sound when I sit here and explain that I can't get the details out of my head.

I want something new now, I really do. So why can't I just push that aside even further. I want to see what else is out there, experience falling hard again for a second time. It's not fair that my mind travels back.(Even if it is infrequently) I don't think I should have to find a replacement for this to end but I can't see anything else being the solution. It would work for periods at a time when I thought what I found was worth the mental space.

I just want to know if I'm ever going to completely forget? Am I even okay with forgetting? Are you supposed to forget something this important in your life?

Maybe I'm not ready.

Friday, April 11, 2014

Sometimes..

Since both my tattoos are in spots I don't see often at all, (ribs and back) I think about it randomly and it hits that I even have them on my body. And I get excited and shocked all at once, that I went through with it and I've been this successful at hiding it this long. I don't know if this happens for anyone else, but it hasn't been a serious amount of time since I got them so I guess it will wear off eventually.. 

Then I get happy that not for a second do I regret them, which makes me want to keep going, because I can give myself a big ol' pat on the back for making such a good decision with these ones.
Someone fund my future tattoo's please. 

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Once Again

I submitted and article to thought catalog. Originally I didn't like the idea of sharing it on my blog that I've done this because then it'll be super obvious things didn't work out when I don't mention it again. But I feel like this is something I need to document, I need to document my failures so the resonate and I can build off them. So weather or not this piece goes up. I submitted it. I had the courage to submit it, and be honest about a lot of thing in it as well. And if it goes up I will share with the people I love because I need to start being ballsy like that.

I'm not going to give up on this.
“I wonder how many times you compared me to her.”


I Just Finished: Looking For Alaska By John Green

Now I know I know, this book is literally 10 years old. A couple months ago, I audio booked The Fault In Our Stars and it was the first time I ever experienced John Green's writing. Of course, I know how cool he is from his youtube channel but I never understood the hype till after finishing that book.

Still, even after the convenience that came with listening to a book on audio I was said NO. I will read Looking For Alaska, in hard copy. No matter how long it takes me to get a hold of this book.

Then randomly, when I was waiting to take the bus to Waterloo this past Thursday to visit a friend I decided I would kill time in Chapters and Starbucks. I picked up this book, under "Heather's Picks" and thought to myself, oh man I really want to read this. So I started reading a page or two, when the sweetest boy comes up to me. At this moment I had my stereo headphones on and naturally I hate when anyone talks to me when these are on my head. They're are there to drown out the world, that is there purpose and I'm not a fan of that being interrupted but for him I was nice about it and wanted to hear what he had to say when he tapped me. He told me how amazing this book was and that it was much better than The Fault In Our Stars and how much that book alone meant to him so Looking For Alaska was a must. Now I know it's technically his job to speak with such enthusiasm and love for the books that fill his place of employment but he was so genuine about how he felt about these books. Not to mention, it wasn't expensive at all. I purchased it. And barely put it down since Thursday. Although I didn't get to read any of it yesterday I just finished it after only a few days. And if anyone knows me, that's a pretty big deal because I'd like to think I'm big into reading, which I should be (as this exhausted title of being an aspiring writer I always claim) but I don't.

So finishing this book this fast is a big deal. I have too many books on my shelve half read for probably over a year or two that I haven't picked up again. It's sad and disappointing. But I don't regret continuing to put them all on hold for this book because it was so well done. I can't even really explain it.

The story was just compelling. All of it, the characters, the setting, every aspect of it. It is highly recommended.

I wish so badly I could explain in more detail why it was so amazing or why I could honestly see myself reading it for a second time, but I don't know how. It just was.

I loved every word of it. I've never really been one to say my goal as a writer is to become an author although maybe one day if I take my silly idea seriously. But if I do become one, even if I don't wherever my journey takes me, I hope to become half as good at story telling as John Green.

Friday, April 4, 2014

Fun Fact About Me

I'm running off zero sleep right now. And I could have been sleeping for about at least two hours now if I went to sleep right away when I got home. But no. I'm awake. Fact: if I have something heavy on my mind. I can't sleep.

It doesn't work for me where I sleep to avoid life. It's the total opposite. For me sleep forces me to sit and soak in it.

Those moments where you cringe at life thinking about everything going on as you fall asleep. That probably happens longer than normal for me. And if I have something on my mind that's making me feel terrible,I just don't want to sleep, and have to lie there and think about it. Same goes for if I'm half awake/going to wake up soon and I'm trying to get back and I think about everything going on. Once I'm sort of awake and all those terrible thoughts rush in. I have to wake up.

This all stems from the solution of occupying myself. When I'm awake. I can write, listen to music, watch shows and keep my mind essentially taken over for long periods of time so I can relax more and not think about it and breath.

Problem is, this will be an issue for significant amounts of time. Till I stop caring, which normally takes forever.

This fact, is not so fun.

Pride

me: "You know when you really wanna text someone aka a boy but you know once you hit send you'll feel dumb as fuck and wish you never sent it. Cause you shouldn't have. That's the story of my life. BUT it's how I'm feeling right now. I haven't done it. I'm just saying I want to"

my friend: Just do it. You have nothing to lose.

Mind you this is one of her favourite lines. But my response to this was my pride and dignity. That's what I had to lose. It's so stupid how doing something so simple as sending a text can make me feel like the biggest piece of shit there is for stooping so low. How did they handle this back in the day when text messaging didn't exist? I'm gonna send this text and end up feeling so sorry for myself that I couldn't control myself and wake the fuck up about the reality of the situation. And I know this isn't something that only I experience because I've had friends tell me, after they've had a conversation that went terribly downhill or they regret having entirely with someone they've been like fuck I shouldn't have even sent anything. Hitting that point of straight up 100% shame and regret is when people like us wake up. Until then I'm pretty sure I'm full on delusional to be completely honest. I don't know what else to call it, for even having the desire to send it and put myself in that position. This is a real thing. Why does my respect for myself hang in the balance of my willpower to hold back sending a message to a boy, I so desperately want to talk to? Because feelings are involved? Because our generation is super into ourselves and how we're viewed by others? Why. Someone please tell me.

It's incredibly unfair.

To top it all of, I don't do well with knowing I shouldn't do something. That makes me feel so much more anxious about it. So knowing I can't, well more accurately shouldn't say anything adds to being torn.

It's giving me anxiety. Not to mention, there are other people I'm talking to, that can totally or should distract me right? Wrong. I would drop them all if I had the choice. It's sounds sad and disgusting but their attention is irrelevant compared to this other persons.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

If We'd Never Met





If there's anyone that reminds me of my ex it's Gabe Bondoc. Out of all the music we've shared and grown to love together it's that dude right there. He has some of the sweetest songs though, and listening to this one specifically I don't even get a sad, bitter feeling thinking about everything that has happened. This song makes me reminisce about everything I'm super happy for that happened, it makes me thankful, and giddy that I was in such an awesome relationship with someone who was literally amazing.


Even if nothing like that happens ever again I honestly can't say I regret a second of it.

Just listen to the song though, it's kinda perfect.

Banned

So other other day when I had totally fucked things up (or thought I did), and was in one of those really big ruts where I 911 called all my best friends. One of them was like you're banned from boys. Now this wasn't in a tone where it was in a judgemental-give up on them way she meant as a, just take a step back for a second cause so far things have not worked out in your favour so take a deep breath on your own.

And it was the best response, minus all the other ones from my loves that helped me calm down that was one thing I needed to hear. To just stop. I mean, I always say I will, or that I'm just going to lay low and then BAM! A cute as boy just pops up in front of me. And what? Oh they're single? Kay I'm going for it. That is my two second thought process. Unless a guy has started to pursue me first (which honestly, is a rare occasion, I'm not gonna lie to you guys).

That's pretty much why it's always been so difficult for me to literally swear them all off for a bit. Yeah I'd love to be in relationship but I'm not scared to be single, I just literally can't not go after something I see I want. And why should I not go after it? This is something about me that has it's ups and downs for sure.

But I told myself I would at least try, for a few months straight to not pursue anyone. Unless something progresses naturally. At least for now.

We'll see how this goes.