Monday, December 30, 2013

Olan Rogers: Eat A Slice With Me Documentary - Inspiring




Anyone who knows me knows that I watch a lot of youtube. I mean, a lot. I've grown to really know what a youtuber needs to do to continuously grab my attention and keep coming back from watching one video. I'd like to think more often than not I can judge sincerity and genuine character. Even people on youtube have said, people can see right through you if you're not yourself, and it's so true.

Olan Rogers is easily one of the absolute most genuine characters I watch on youtube. He doesn't have over a million followers or been on television and all that fancy shit. He literally just does what he loves and has an amazing heart while doing. I wished more than anything to go on this tour and meet him but sadly living in Canada made that too difficult.

This was a free tour across America in which he broke even and took zero profit from. It was all about the experience and being able to hang out with the viewers, who've made it all possible.

He's one of the most inspiring people who entertain me on the internet and you can tell from his shorts, his apparel line and everything he does he puts everything into it. To produce quality work for his viewers.

People like this are people I need to take note of, and need to surround myself with. I want to accomplish big things like this.  I want to make a difference, experience new things and give back. I want to do what I love but on a big scale.

I need to work harder.

But thank you Olan for reminding me.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

“We’re neither pure, nor wise, nor good; we do the best we know.”
— Voltaire

Christmas party 2013





Yeezus

Sticking to the promise of photos...


Kendrick Lamar opened and his performance was amazing. He's so effortlessly poetic. I don't even listen to him really, he's not on my ipod, I dont know any of his songs but he was still a pleasure to watch.


Whoever helped Kanye create his set list is a pure genius. From start to finish, that shit was a masterpiece.

video

He started off with mostly songs from yeezus which were all perfect.



A ton of theatrics were put into this concert as well. Religion was a giant theme but it's Kanye so even if you don't understand it, you take it in, you move on, and enjoy being in his presence regardless.


Then the older tracks started to come out, transitioning with little to no break in between and everyone at the ACC lost their minds.


This was during all of the lights of course. The show was well beyond worth the money. His set was long and full of so much. There was no need for an encore, just pure gratitude we were even able to experience that.

Easily the best show I've ever been to.. Out of the manyyy, I've attended.

Don't look back

Am I getting lazy or what. I start to feel better and I can't sit down to write any more? I hate myself for it. I hate that I need pain to feel the need to express something. I want to be able to write insightfully no matter what. That's something I want to practice, at least if I want my work to be published on other websites.

Recently I've been able to slowly occupy my mind with other things.. He's been replaced with more relevant things happening right now. Which I think is something that I need to train myself to be better at. Being in the right now. I dwell on things way to much and it's not even the amount I dwell on it. My mind will travel back months ago. Why does that even matter what new thoughts and opinions I have on things I can't even change. Moving forward is something that's so truly important. I commend myself for realizes this but actions speak louder than words.

I also want to write an all around post about my entire year very soon. However I'm magically going to sum up all the shit I've pulled this year.. I'm going to try. Hopefully it'll feel more reflective than nauseating.

The Silver Lining In Getting Your Heart Broken

" By a magical combination of positive thinking, healthy reflection, and time, we begin to really heal. All of a sudden, we can see even the faintest silver lining in the dark, hovering clouds. We stop lying to ourselves and we begin to believe that we will be okay, because we can feel ourselves getting better. We are no longer depressed all the time. We are sad at moments but generally we feel alright. We smile real smiles and laugh honest laughs. When we discuss our ex, we are now truthful; we don’t blame everything on them or make them out to be the only ones who made mistakes. We are stable enough to admit our wrongs and regrets. There may still be flickering questions about our past relationship and what happened, but we let them simmer. We have faith that soon, they will be gone forever.

Getting your heart broken is messy and tragic, yet it’s an absolutely incredible experience. It’s one of those rare times when you are forced to reflect deep upon yourself and to rebuild from the inside out, which is a beautiful consequence. As you reassemble your shattered heart, you come face to face with your weaknesses, and that’s scary. But once you are able to recognize and be honest with those insecurities, you get closer to true peace of mind, inner happiness, and a sturdy backbone.

Surviving a broken heart is one of the sole experiences that make us stronger. After feeling destroyed, we find courage we didn’t know we had. We realize that no matter how sad we are to lose that person, we are happy that we got a chance to run recklessly with them than never at all. We learn to cope with never knowing the answers to intensely agonizing questions such as, ‘Why not me?’

We always learn something about who we are after every heartbreaking relationship. We change things in ourselves that we want to change, and we embrace the parts of our character that we like. When we heal, we realize how much we love who we are, and therefore, we have confidence that we will find someone else who sees what we see. We come to terms with the fact that maybe we don’t really know what we want yet, or maybe we were never meant to have it with that person. Either way, with every traumatic break-up comes a better you, and that is something you can count on. "

- thought catalog

It’s Really Hard To Let Go Of The People You’ve Cared About

" We’ve all been there; our friends have all been there. That inevitable moment or series of moments when you realize that, for the sake of your sanity or respect or whatever, you need to walk away. It’s something everyone talks about having done at some point. Walking away and letting go. Everyone talks about how it’s about self-respect and dignity and blah blah blah but no one ever talks about how hard it is; how hard it is to follow through with, let alone actually do. It’s not like a decision you make once and then that’s that; it’s a decision you make every single day. It’s like giving up carbs or soda or chocolate.

Sure, anyone can say they’re going to stop but they don’t take into account how much they are going to crave whatever it is they are giving up. They don’t talk about all of the late night binges or the need to throw out everything in your pantry that will create temptation. You go into it with every intention of following through. You block them and maybe everyone of their friends on social media, delete them from your phone, avoid places you might run into them but then there are the unanticipated cravings.

None of the aforementioned things are going to take the cravings away.

You’re still going to be typing out those text messages only to immediately erase them seconds after. You’re going to need to call upon friends to hijack your phone to avoid drunk calls or texts. You may even need to download one of those apps that stops you from trying. I’m not sure what’s worse, not hearing from them or hearing from them. There is nothing that compares to that feeling of butterflies you get when their name pops up on your phone but that all changes when it’s over. That feeling that once put a smile on your face now puts a lump in your throat and a knot in your stomach. You’re validated and pissed off at the same time. You love that they miss you and hate them for putting you in a compromising position.

This isn’t something that occurs only once. It’s something you battle every single day until one day, you finally don’t anymore. The hardest part is there is no text-book amount of time that tells you when it’ll all feel better. You just hear and hope that eventually it will get better.

I want people to talk about how hard it is to go days, weeks, months making the decision to STAY AWAY after you’ve chosen to walk away. I think we all deserve some kind of medal or something for staying away or perhaps just an amazing, new guy who doesn’t warrant the need for us to walk away. Walking away and staying away require effort; they require putting on your big girl pants, putting the being an adult thing into practice and ending something that needs to end.

It’s avoiding contact for days or even a week before actually ending it, as to not give the wrong impression or allow your mind to be swayed. It’s showing up with all of their stuff in hand just to avoid the painful part of dealing with it later because you know that you may not be able to follow through if that happened. It’s scheduling a time between work and other prior commitments to have “the talk.” It’s finally saying no even though you want to say yes, especially after months or years of saying yes. It’s ignoring text messages that you know will lead to relapse. It’s keeping your promise to try to stop even though you aren’t sure you do. It’s not easy. It’s hard. It’s gut-wrenching. It’s like breaking a bad habit or recovering from an addiction. From all of the stories i’ve been told about people walking away, i always thought that when it was time to walk away i would just know. I’d know and feel good about it and it’d be easy and it’s because of all of the false advertising that i’ve never been able to walk away. Now i see it for what it really is: an uphill battle, a conscious decision to say no, not only once but every day until you’ve officially moved on. Sometimes it is easy, like when someone monumentally fucks up or when you don’t really care that much anymore or didn’t care to begin with but those times are anomalies. Usually, there is much more gray area and in all of that abstraction, it’s hard to convince yourself that it’s never going to be black and white and that you need to walk away before you sink so deep that you lose yourself. You do lose yourself a little bit in the wading pool of gray area regardless of how long you’re in it but you gain a better version of yourself when you pull yourself out. The doubt will come in waves. You’ll waffle between feeling good about it and feeling the deepest levels of regret.

The truth is, you’re most likely not going to be 100% sure you are making the right decision and you are going to question that decision with every fiber of your being at some point after the fact but if somewhere in you you know that you need to walk away, it is a risk you just have to take. "

- Thought Catalog

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Finally, happier. I have so many amazing friends and people in my life. It so silly to let one person who's become so insignificant allow me to forget that and be stoked and constantly thankful. I know who I am, and I'm proud of the person I'm becoming. I'm no longer questioning, why not me. It doesn't even matter. I'm better than that. 

I'm better. That's my affirmation. 


I have no feelings for anyone and it feels great right now to be with myself. 

Monday, December 23, 2013

Pictures coming soon: Yeezus.

Plenty video's and photos I'll be uploading here from tonight. I'm going to try this new thing and use images to share my experiences as well.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

My book

My best friend is actually really encouraging me to write this book that I have in mind. I told my friend about it today jokingly, cause I don't know how people will take it if I tell them I'm seriously going to write it. But she thought it was genius. That made me so happy, she thought my idea was so great and hilarious. I'm definitely going to get on that soon.

I'm also trying to purge all of this anger, sadness and bitterness while I'm still feeling any of it. I'm not going to beat myself of for feeling it. I'm just going to let it come, embrace it. Embrace that once again I'm being a person and then heal from there. That's the only thing to do. Fighting it won't do any good and will only bring on more negativity. I deserve to be happy, I deserve someone who will continue to care about me and love me no matter what and I deserve to have friends who aren't shady as fuck (who also don't even have the balls to talk to me about it might I add. If that doesn't prove they were shady from the jump then I don't know what does).

It feels better this time because as opposed to another person I had a hard time with, I was always hoping wishing they would contact me. But this time around, the email is blocked. The number is blocked. And I don't have to worry myself over it anymore. 

Damn my power just went out from this day after tomorrow business going on. I thought I lost this. Thank you blogger for automatically saving drafts. 

As I was saying, I'd be lying if I said I'm not wondering at all if he's tried but that's just how I am. The fact that I know he can't makes it an innocent curiosity. Cause I'll literally never know. 

I might have said this before but I wish it was like sex and the city when Big sent all those emails every day and her assistant saved them! And she found them after. That was the best. 

As you can see I can be bitter but still the hopeless romantic I've always been at the same time.

But that's not real life. And I'm forcing myself to move on to bigger and better things. 

It was an experience, I learned a lot about myself and life but that chapter has ended. 

Get it, chapter.. My book. 
You'll see when it's done. 

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Thank you

This Is What Every Girl Wishes They Could Say To Their Greatest Heartbreaker
- thought catalog

I was so sure about us. I was so ready to make everything right this time. No more walls, issues, and setbacks. I was determined to never commit the same mistakes again. I loved you so much. I allowed you to be part of everything about me.

So when things didn’t work out, my world collapsed. From Day 1, I decided to fight for you. You were a lot to lose, like I told you, so I just waited. I believe I was never the clingy-needy type so I just waited for you on the sidelines, waiting for you to come back. But you didn’t. You moved on without saying a word. It was so hard for me to recover. I didn’t think I would still have a chance to be extremely happy. The hardest to let go were the memories: our laughter, our sweet nothings, our adventures, and misadventures. I believe we had so much fun together. The hardest part was accepting that you’re gone and we won’t have that much fun anymore.

I guess I really loved you too much that I forced myself to cut everything and just let you be happy. I let you move on. I just trained myself to accept everything wholeheartedly. I tried to be happy for you. Well I did become happy for you (my edit), in the long run. I was okay, in the long run.

Looking back, I still believe everything was worth it. I was happiest to be with you. I wouldn’t change anything. So I still want to thank you. Thank you for all our adventures and misadventures, everything I learned from you. Everything was worth every tear. And thank God I learned to get a hold of myself even if my world was crumbling to pieces. You made me realize that I still love myself. I also hope you find the peace, success, and love you deserve.

Freezing rain


7am. Just finished an overnight shift. I work again at 12 at aerie.. Then again tonight overnight. Then again at aerie Sunday morning.. 

I'll sleep when I'm dead. Or rich. 

Friday, December 20, 2013

I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm constantly on the verge of crying or actually am crying. Constantly feeling sad or depressed or sorry for myself. 

This image of them keeps re-appearing in my head. 
I feel like I can't breath.
I don't know what to do any more. 

serious change of focus

I really want to start getting my writing out there and just writing more in general. Not solely on this blog but for other websites as well. Or at least forcing myself to try and submit and keep trying and keep submitting. Even if they're constantly rejected. It'll force me to try harder and not get so sloppy and lazy. I'll be able to learn a lot from doing this. So I'm only hoping I can get serious about it. I want to start focusing on making myself better by not forgetting what I want to do and accomplish. I've allowed things and people that aren't important to the big picture of my life push aside what I would like to become my priority. Therefore the next step is taking writing for an audience seriously.

It hit me today after I lurked and saw a photo on instagram that really struck a nerve. It doesn't matter that he's moved on. This is all for the better. He's not meant to be in my life any more. From now I'm going to think about me, what I want, who I want to be and working hard to move forward to where I want to be. I want to channel all my emotion into something productive so I can start making a name for myself. I want to really have something to show for all this time I spend at home, or all of this bullshit I go through.

I need to stop looking at being single and alone so often as a bad thing or this curse I'm trying to rid myself of. I've said it before probably a million times but there needs to come a point where I'm okay being by myself. Like entirely. Where I no longer am in this default need of a significant other. That's where this new mission comes into play.


Also, fuck you instagram and my lack of will power to lurk people and see shit I don't wanna see.  
" We’re not stuck. Even if it feels like we are, it’s not true. We’re the opposite of stuck. As twentysomethings, we’re constantly moving — apartments, relationship, cities, jobs. Anything is possible. People are ready for you. They want to hear what you have to say. They look at you and are curious about what words are going to come out of your mouth. You’re the new generation. What do you have to say? Don’t bite your tongue. One day you’ll be pushed aside for a younger “fresher” perspective so you better get it out now. Make a mark. Make a stain. Make something. "

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Human nature is a bitch

From: The Only Thing You Have To Be Is A Person

It’s just about learning to be okay with not being okay all the time, settling into the human condition, making room for discomfort, and allowing yourself to be a person, as silly as that sounds. In fact, I have that written in chalk on the wall right next to where I’m sitting. Be a person.

That’s the simplicity of it– the root of that which most plagues us, but having to accept it is the grandest feat, one that takes lifetimes to perfect. But it’s possible. In fact, my entire transformation of self, deepening of mind and person, expanse of understanding, is that radically simple. I just learned to be okay with being a person, not a superhero, and I learned to see other people from that vantage point as well. And I think that’s the only way you can learn to love other people, honestly.

Coming to terms with the fact that there are things that might never ease up, things we have, things we’re yet to find, things that will grow with time, is the real crux of it all. Accepting this, as simply and feasibly as we can, is difficult: it closes the avenues of possibility. Avenues that would allow us to run far down and away from the truth, into stories and excuses and blame.

Nobody really has the answers, you know. You may never know what your purpose is, but that doesn’t mean you’re not living it. You will lose most of the people in your life right now. Human nature is a bitch, but so are you for not realizing that the people you care about will be gone eventually. If you want to go, you should go. Let people’s silence be your answer. Know that letting go and moving on is one tiny gesture of distracting yourself with something better on a moment to moment basis. You’re not a damaged and malfunctioning person because you feel bad or doubt yourself or still love someone or have trouble understanding or changing. That just makes you a person. We have to stop getting tied up and bound down to the verticals we associate with what’s happening in our lives, the ways in which we can convince ourselves that we are more than just the summation of our parts. The things that seem insurmountable only ever do because we’ve convinced ourselves that they’re beyond that which we’re capable of accepting. The more radically simple and honest you are about that, the more radically and simply things fall into place. Not because they’re changing, because your idea of them is.

Be a person

I can't wait for this day to be over. I'm already moving past it, which is great. I still just want to sleep until the new year but I guess making it to tomorrow will have to do too. This person just isn't meant to be apart of my life any more, that's just fact. And it's fine. It's fine that it's having an effect on me, that people's involvement in my life expire and how I deal with it is just a part of life and I'm only human. These two things are important and need to be remembered.

In the worst mood imaginable. I can't fathom what this has come to. 
I went from only wanting to see you to now you're not even on the list of people I wanna see, I'm not even gonna say you're the last. You're no one. 
Moving on, officially.. I have things I need to burn.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

This needs to stop.

I posted this on my tumblr, but I'll share here too..

This girl on my facebook, decides to rant about how girls on instagram and facebook post photo’s of themselves half naked, and in her words not mine are “slutting themselves up” for men and blah blah blah. That they should only be doing it for their boyfriends and whoever loves them. Her having an issue with that in terms of it’s just something she would never do. That’s totally fine. Her rant also included the movement women have made in the last 100 years and dates and shit and that it is setting all of us back with these photos, and that this is why we will never gain equality.

GIRL. I’m pretty sure, that is not the only reason we will not gain equality. There are 100 other reasons, why men don’t hold us as equal, whether instagram existed or not. Two, who are you to judge anyone for how they feel they want to present themselves on the social media. That’s THEIR prerogative. We need to stop saying other women are making us look bad. At this point this girl on my facebook is making herself look bad.

And with her whole historical argument, if we’ve come a long way, then we can also say that you shouldn’t be talking so negatively about other women. We should be speaking positively and holding each other up. Weather putting photos like this up makes them happy, or confident or whatever the fuck reason. It’s 2013! A girl can be smart, funny, charismatic, interesting, powerful, and in control and post whatever photo she wants. Bottom line. This person on my facebook is aiming at the idea that it’s making these girls less than. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU! That this person is talking down about other girls for what they feel they want to post on their accounts isn’t helping this “movement” either.

I would love to comment this on the facebook status, but I have no care to talk to someone SO small minded. And I don’t want to start an argument. But shit like this needs to stop.

We all know I have never posted a photo like we’re referring to on any social media but if another girl wants to. ALL THE POWER TO YOU GURL. It doesn’t effect me. How you chose to get attention cause when we post ANYTHING, that’s what we’re doing it for - attention. Point blank period. Or present yourself is all you.


I’m done.

Done. Finished. Over it. Bye

I don't care anymore. I don't care if we we ever talk again. I don't care if we ever cross paths again, if we're ever friends again. I'm done caring. I was trying not to let go purposely because I thought it was worth it. I thought you, were worth it. But I can't any more. And it's not. I wish this person all the best, but I'm done staying hopeful and contemplating continuing to fight. 

I don't even know what caused this, I'm just over it. I'm not gonna be made to be the sad one or the desperate one. I'm better than that. If someone doesn't want me in their life, even for a period of time. Then maybe it's better it just stays that way. I'm not waiting around for anyone anymore. I'm not about that life. The fact that I'm even being made to wait. Just no. No. 

I'm done.
Moving on. 
Finally.  

Something even better is gonna come along. 

Monday, December 16, 2013

"The most attractive people are the ones who know that their physical appearance isn’t the most attractive thing about them. "

Who do you think you are?

11 Signs that you should walk away:
11. They do not think you are wonderful, and tell you how great you are frequently. Life is too short to surround yourself with people who treat you like you are average. You are not average, you are fabulous, and someone out there is dying to tell you.

That was the best one.
I had the best conversation with my best friend today, aka soulmate. About how there is someone who I don't even think is that amazing that I'm like stressing over, and I think I need to stop and question: who does this person think they are? Acting this way now. They are no Ryan Gosling, or Josh Hutcherson to name two men I would marry tomorrow. I didn't have any real thoughts about this person, upon first meeting them. How did it even come to this point?

They shouldn't even have the privilege or power to make me feel this way. They were the first one chasing me. Now you stop, and I'm the one left here like where did you go? Granted feelings aren't there but I see potential. I entertained the attention I was getting since every girl loves attention (for the most part, from the right person) it was a great distraction and it was fun, I reciprocated it.. Now that I care, it's gone. Every time when I actually care, this happens. It's automatic. But any way, point is what the hell.

Who do you think you are?
I need to raise my standards, walk away sooner, and remember - I'm far beyond average. No one is allowed to treat me like I'm average.

I give up. For real this time.

Masterpiece

Beyonce, how? Like what?
I can't.
This woman is a queen.
“I only want two things in this world.
I want you.
And I want us.”
You could have the sun 
You could have the water 
This I'd give to you 
You could be the moon 
You could be the harbour 
I arrive to 
You could come over uninvited 
You said I'm the one 
The one to hold you 
Does that go for others too 

No surprise
No surprise
No surprise 

Yesterday around 4 AM 
I thought about you 
for a minute or two 
I know it's no good 
I feel so lonely 
Sleeping without you 
How come your arms are not around me 
I said i'm the one 
the one to hold you 
But I guess he said that too

- How come your arms are not around me

Diggin the City and Colour cover of this song 

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Quotes are out of control today. I can't find myself to actually write anything. I'm trying really hard to get out of this weird headspace I'm in. I'm trying really hard. So I'm trying not to bring any emphasis to it by explaining it and beating it to death over and over again. All I want is to be okay with everything. To be okay with the way things are going and me being by myself. I read a quote that made a lot of sense, once I'm okay with everything, that is the only time I will be okay. So that's what I'm going to work towards.

I don't know if I'm ready to give up, I'm still hopeful but once I reach this point of accepting everything I'll be able to carry on with my life in a healthy way.

“Some steps need to be taken alone. It’s the only way to really figure out where you need to go and who you need to be.”
— Mandy Hale, The Single Woman
“Smart girls are the overthinkers, the insecure ones, the different ones. They know what the real world is like. They analyze every little thing in life. Why? To avoid getting hurt. To find happiness. They stay up at night trying to think about every possible situation to get through all the problems. They think too much. They trust fewer people. Their insecurity proves their respect toward themselves. Of course they try to live away from a drama-filled life. Smart girls know their worth. Now those are the ones worth keeping by your side.”
— Unknown
“Stop waiting for friday, for summer, for a boy to fall in love with you. Happiness is achieved when you stop waiting for it and make something of the moment you’re in right now.”
“It amazes me how easy it is for things to change, how easy it is to start off down the same road you always take and wind up somewhere new. Just one false step, one pause, one detour, and you end up with new friends or a bad reputation or a boyfriend or a breakup. It’s never occurred to me before; I’ve never been able to see it. And it makes me feel, weirdly, like maybe all of these different possibilities exist at the same time, like each moment we live has a thousand other moments layered underneath it that look different.”
— Lauren Oliver, Before I Fall

“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.”
Gilda Radner
“You won’t do our things with another girl, or say the same things, will you?”
— Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms

Saturday, December 14, 2013

HALLELUJAH.

For having two jobs during the holidays.
“And I’d choose you; in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I’d find you and I’d choose you.”
- The Chaos of Stars 

Mine

Stop making a big deal out of the little things
Cause I got big deals and I got little things
Got everything I'm asking for but you
Stop making a big deal out of the little things, let's get carried away
Come right now, you know where I stay

I just wanna say, you're mine, you're mine
I just wanna say, you're mine, you're mine
Fuck what you heard, you're mine, you're mine
All I'm really asking for is you
You're mine, you're mine
I just wanna say, you're mine, you're mine
Fuck what you heard, you're mine, you're mine
As long as you know who you belong to


From 8 until late, I think ‘bout you
You own my nights I don’t know what to do
I can't get no rest, can't get no sleep
This whole thing got way too deep and we should

Beyonce Ft. Drake

Friday, December 13, 2013

breaking news: I'm an introvert.

25 frustrating things about being an extrovert 

Whoah, this list 100% made me realize I'm more of an introvert. I'm sure I used to be an extrovert, at some point in my life I totally related to this list, I had fear of missing out, I got anxious to be out with everyone, all of that was me. But I can honestly say now I'm the opposite of all of these things. And it's pretty much why I got fired for my hosting job as well. I never thought I was quiet, but they thought I was so quiet, even though I was friends with everyone. I wasn't the super talkative person they wanted me to be and it was actually hard for me to do that, well beyond my comfort level. I tried, but I couldn't do it.

Being an introvert isn't so black and white which I read long ago but I actually see that now. I can be as outgoing as I am but still be one. I just think it's interesting, how I've changed so much. I'm very comfortable with it too. I just like talking to a certain, same set of people, I've grown to need time to myself and I love staying home watching netflix.

Like the end of the list says, neither is better than the other which I totally agree with, this is just me celebrating my personality type.

making people laugh is still the best

When I would look at his profile when I couldn’t sleep, months after our only date, I would think about what he told me. I was a Funny Girl. He was good-looking, likely too much so for me, and I was able to make him laugh. It made me think of all the Funny Girls I’d ever known, all the times I’d seen them spin straw into something they could live with, and how much I loved them. I wondered how many of them must have been like me, alone at three in the morning, wishing they could trade a little humour for a little beauty.

I know a Funny Girl when I see one. The body language and urgency of the comebacks and the anxious need to always be on are recognizable to anyone who lives it themselves. I know who they are, and what their mannerisms are really saying, and how badly they wish that they could simply grow out of the part of them that needs to be on defence. Funny Girls, the ones who recoil at the compliments about their sense of humour because they imagine, on some level, that it’s mutually exclusive with being beautiful, are my favourite girls. In the weedy growths of their painful adolescence, there is often something so strong and so resilient. There is a need to be heard, mostly because they feel they will not be seen. They will make you smile and wince in equal measure because they have never been able to soften their feelings with a pleasant package. Their humor is in their rejection, and their triumph will be in getting everyone else to laugh with them.

-Excerpt from: To The Funny Girls

It's weird because I always thought being able to make a guy or anyone for that matter laugh was so awesome. I never exactly associated it with being less beautiful and attractive. In my mind I was like "what you're laughing! Hey bonus!" I hadn't looked at it as a handicap in the sense like this part of the piece is saying. It doesn't even make real sense to me when I think about it. Funny girls, are hands down the coolest chicks out there, yet because of this they somehow don't meet the standards in other categories? I know this is situational, but I'm addressing a popular opinion, or something based off majority results I guess. You know what I mean. I know I love it when people tell me I'm funny, but I can't lie and say I don't relate to those two paragraphs up there. I mean when I think about the times I thought it was so great I could make them laugh, it didn't always bank for the best outcome in the dating department..

Miserable.. Or cranky

I'm so tired but I can't physically bring myself to sleep all day.
I can't download beyonces album cause I can't afford it. 
I'm losing someone I love. 
I wanna go snowboarding, can't afford it.
I have more gifts to buy I just realized. 

I'm so fucking miserable. 
I don't wanna be but I'm also cranky as shit.  

Thursday, December 12, 2013

two jobs, twelve hours, one night, back to back.

I'm about to work for 12 hours straight..
At two different jobs. This evening and then overnight. I'm not complaining, because lord knows I need the money and I've been at home way too much lately. I just haven't worked this long in a really long time. I'm also grateful for it because it can occupy my mind, for the most part. Since I've been having a really hard time lately. What's new though right? There's literally only one person who can cheer me up, but I'm trying not to be selfish and fulfilling his wishes. It's hard though.

brighter note: my Christmas gift making is going really great, I'm so proud of myself.

I really really do - but I can't


Wednesday, December 11, 2013

https://soundcloud.com/skohler90/twentybliss-mitchelldavis   
"The feeling of security comes to a halt. It definitely stops when you move out. My last move was a real push in the tush because I was living on my own. Then, I turned twenty-four here… And it all kind of just trickled down in front of me in big neon words that says, "YOU’RE A GROWN UP!", and I instinctively yelled back, "FUCK YOU!" "
- Twenty Bliss

Holy crap, being twenty is so serious.. I'm in my twenties! What the fuck.
Can I go back in time. Please?
It makes me look at this part of my life as like a segment though. Remembering this is a time that I'm supposed to be learning from, I'm supposed to think what I'm feeling is love. I'm supposed to figure it out later. I'm supposed to be lost and not exactly know what to do with myself. These are all things that I'm allowed to think and feel and determine with time. I mean the whole being an adult thing is pretty shitty. But the getting to know myself part is cool. I see it now.

Cool interview though. I met this dude, he's one my favourite people probably. That exists on the internet.

Note to self.. stay strong

I just had a breakdown with my friend. Well I mean, I was the only one breaking down and my best friend helped. She wasn't breaking down. Although she went through that several weeks ago and I was of course, drop everything, there for her.

Any way, I just really genuinely felt how sad I was. I really felt it and it made me cry for a long period of time. And when I tried to explain why I was sad, it was just everything. So many different things make me sad. I listed like them all and I was just like I can't remember the last time I was really happy. Truly happy, not the temporary happy for the evening but continuously non stop, care free, happiness. I couldn't remember. Like I could remember a time but a most recent time? Nada.

Then she told me I base too much of it on guys, which is true. Or more so I let it affect me way more than it should, we also discussed I need to start picking up a new fucking hobby. I have to much time on my hands and I just wallow in it for days. It's disgusting and unpleasant.

I got so much anxiety before this cry session I couldn't even nap. I couldn't nap. If anyone knows me, they would know that, that shit is unheard of. Unheard of. I nap like it's my fucking job. I couldn't rest my brain to sleep. That's how bad it is. I'm so tired right now but I can't even both trying to sleep because I keep myself up late and I wake up early cause I can't sleep any more. My sleeping pattern is messed up is the point I'm trying to make.

I'm not going to get into the details of what caused me to cry, because there is a lot I don't write on here. There are details I leave out all the time. What I'm getting at is, that I need to occupy my time and work towards being happy on my own.

Why is being happy so important anyway? I wonder that too. Maybe because for me, the alternative is this bullshit I'm enduring right now.

Undercover

I hate that I let little things get to me so much. I can say I'm not an emotional person because I don't cry often, and I rarely show people how I'm truly feeling.. But fuck, when I'm alone I feel terrible all the time. And little things people do just pile it on, non-stop. It's one thing I hate myself for. That I can't brush things off easily at all. I let them eat away at me till I'm at my worst point. 

So basically, I'm an undercover emotional wreck. 

Wth

My mind is everywhere, like literally everywhere. I just need to take a trip and get out of here. Cause I'm so confused and so lost.
I also made a decision about something.
I thought of the best idea I could have ever thought of. And I really wanna start it.  But what's the point if who I'm doing it for won't see it? So who knows if I'll even do it. But like I'm so proud of myself for thinking of it. I showed the plan to my friend who will help me and she came back to me saying: whoah Paula. 
It's meaningful, contains a ton of effort, and it's pretty damn thoughtful. I can't share what it is because I can't risk anyone knowing. 

It's my last attempt though. If I even do it.

IF.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Say something


Say something I'm giving up on you
I'll be the one if you want me to
Anywhere I would have followed you
Say something I'm giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I'm still learning love
Just starting to crawl

Say something I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would have followed you
Say something I'm giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye

Say something I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would have followed you

Say something I'm giving up on you
Say something I'm giving up on you
Say something

- a great big world 

Why haven't I heard this song before? The lyrics and the melody are so fucking beautiful and heartbreaking, I love it.
“It amazes me how easy it is for things to change, how easy it is to start off down the same road you always take and wind up somewhere new. Just one false step, one pause, one detour, and you end up with new friends or a bad reputation or a boyfriend or a breakup. It’s never occurred to me before; I’ve never been able to see it. And it makes me feel, weirdly, like maybe all of these different possibilities exist at the same time, like each moment we live has a thousand other moments layered underneath it that look different.”
— Lauren Oliver, Before I Fall

thought catalog of course..

I want you because

I can’t help it – I want you because I don’t know how to not want you. I don’t like not knowing how to do things but incidentally no one has any helpful advice. Sometimes I wish I could just remove the want, extract it, but I get the feeling the want is not one of those things you can readily extract, like rotten teeth or slow-moving venom. The want is undulating somewhere in the ether. I tell myself I shouldn’t want you because you’re not mine, and I can understand all the sensible and convincing reasons I shouldn’t, but when it comes to the actual practice of not wanting you, something falls off that table of logic and splatters unceremoniously all over the floor.

I try to train myself to pass your name through my head neutral like everyone else’s but when I hear someone say it, or when I say it to myself like I do, my heart forgets what it’s doing and starts to pound in double bass, and it’s equal parts exciting and squirmy-uncomfortable, a lot like being somewhere uptight in the daytime but also being on drugs.

Everyone says that time is the answer but I honestly feel like time makes it worse.

I want you because there aren’t any good words for who you are. The only ones that come to mind are earnest, sad clichés like “amazing” and “magnetic” and “fascinating” and I don’t want to use them, but on the other hand they are the only words, and cliché or not they are honest words and I’m not sure consulting a thesaurus at this point would be genuine. And it’s not that I want you officially, like I want your last name or your Sunday mornings or your hard shiny promise, I just want to absorb you. I want to know what you know, want to hear your stories, want to filter through them gently and get lost in them, them and the soft hypnosis of your hands in my hair.

I want you because I know you can make me forget about time.

I want you because you and I, the thought of you and I. Those letters forming those words, those words sticking together, the jellyfish swell and shrink in my chest when I think about what they mean. You and I could be something together, that’s why I want you. Something that’s made of us and also isn’t, something different, the way hydrogen and oxygen are indistinguishable in a molecule of water. And I know we can’t be anything, I know that, but when has knowing anything stopped me from feeling it? Knowing better stopped me from wanting it?

holy shit

I'm so impatient and anxious I think it's a problem. A legitimate problem for me. I need to find other ways to relax and stay calm. I have some things in mind on what I could try, but I need to actually start taking them seriously because I don't know how to handle this anymore.

Monday, December 9, 2013

What we had was unbeatable

So many quotes lately, but I'm okay with that because I have't been able to put into words how I'm feeling lately. Or at least in a way that will make it sound different or more evolved if I were to keep writing about it. My mind is so cluttered with regret, homelessness, and desperation that sometimes I can't even sleep because of it.

The funny thing is, when I think about my desire to work things out with my ex I don't even think about him seeing another person at all. That's barely crossed my mind. I solely think about our relationship and what we had and that I want it back. That's all I think about. All the time. My mindset is entirely based off everything we worked so hard for, for so long and that I don't want it with anyone else. I say it's funny because I've wasted so much time being angry about them, writing about it. But I guess it's safe to say now that I just simply don't care any more. Like I acknowledge that it could be going on but wanting to fix things doesn't come from a territorial standpoint. It comes from a: this a person who makes me so fucking happy, it's been eight months and I still feel the same way standpoint. From a: I thought we could have worked things out or started too at some point or in the near future but that hasn't happened yet and I'm scared to lose it all, place.


How I feel, articulated perfectly

“The older I get, the more I realize how difficult of a person I am to love, let alone tolerate. My mind seems to operate off of a dozen different tangents – all of which seem to have found homes on different planets. My heart is restless, but my potential is inconsistent. My mind is determined, but my confidence is volatile. As soon as I believe that I am ready to love, my heartbeat changes its pattern. As soon as I am ready to take the risk, my mind tells me to “wait a little longer”. I, of all people, yearn to believe that I possess the kind of love that is nothing short of one in a billion. In literal terms, that would be the kind of love you’d only find amongst a handful of people on this earth. I want nothing short of the possession of this kind of love tucked inside my heart. And I want nothing more than to place it in the power of your hands.”
— Connotativewords | jl | The Battle
“I’d like to become a person who actually deserves to be with someone like you. I don’t know how long that would take but I hope you’re around when it happens.”
— Kate from Stuck In Love

Couldn't narrow it down, all are worth applying to my life

16 Pieces Of Advice That Will Change Your Life For The Better

1. One of the hardest things to do is to look our demons straight in the face and admit their existence to ourselves. Stand in front of the mirror, by yourself, and tell yourself what you are afraid of, what you regret, what you’re ashamed of. It might be unpleasant and somewhat terrifying because when we say things out loud, they become real. But this is a good thing, because once you’ve identified your inner turmoil, you can begin to alleviate it. We cannot fight off phantoms. Make them real, and then kick their ass.

2. Change is intimidating, even when it’s good. Being afraid or nervous about something new is normal, just don’t let the hurdle hold you back.

3. Our comfort zone is pleasant, but it does not challenge us; it does not make us grow or learn or improve. It does not make us strong. Force yourself to do things outside your comfort zone. In my experience, these are the moments that have impacted me the most, and stuck with me the longest.

4. Recognize the ways in which you are selfish, and then actively try to be less selfish. Make a real effort.

5. If you confidently display your greatest vulnerabilities, you shock your enemies out of their weapons. Laugh at your flaws and people won’t be able to laugh at you, only with you.

6. Accept the process of distinguishing between your flaws and your imperfections. Figure out what areas of your life you need and want to work on, and which shortcomings are as much an inherent part of you as your best qualities. It is fruitless and disheartening to attempt to change the latter, while working on the first is gratifying both in process and outcome.

7. Make improvement less daunting. If you see a goal you wish to achieve on the horizon, set benchmarks for yourself. Achievement and improvement is not all or nothing—it is a growth process, and likely one that will at times be tiring and seemingly impossible. You can do a lot to combat the overwhelming feeling of inadequacy if you give yourself reasonable, smaller goals to reach along the way. Even the grandest plans require small steps. Love the journey—you’ll end up gaining so much more than just the satisfaction of reaching your ultimate goal.

8. Accept that plans change.

9. When your instinct tells you something, listen. If you find yourself doing something out of habit and it suddenly hits you like a sack of bricks that your heart isn’t in it, abandon it. Impostors and shams of happiness are no one’s friend.

10. Be in the moment—I mean, really actively, whole-heartedly, deliberately in the moment. Don’t do reckless things with the excuse that tomorrow may never come. Tomorrow probably will come, and will likely bring with it consequences. We straddle lines between invincibility and pragmatism along the spectrum of our youth and often start out too far on one side and end up too far on the other. But one thing is for sure—every moment has something to offer if you immerse yourself in it. This is most important when you are spending time with people you care about. Don’t sell that moment short by anticipating what’s next, where you’re headed after, or what you’re gonna wear that evening. Be there, and look into that person’s eyes like you mean it.

11. Call someone you’re comfortable with, put on the saddest, most beautiful playlist you can find, and cry together. Cry for no reason in particular and all the reasons in general. Just cry until you’re so exhausted that all you can do is fall asleep or laugh; cry until you’ve bonded; cry until you’re all out of tears, and all that remains is resilience.

12. Know that inspiration can hide in the smallest most unassuming moments. Inspiration isn’t necessarily something grandiose or glamorous. Pinpricks of beauty and coincidence and paths crossing and remembering how much you appreciate being able breathe through your nose while you can breathe through your nose—that’s where the magic happens.

13. With very rare exception, there’s no such thing as too much love or too much laughter. Everything else in moderation, laughter and love in excess.

14. Rejection stings but so does disinfecting a wound. We grow stronger & recover in both cases.

15. When you hold a grudge, you are the one carrying that weight. Let anger thaw.

16. Integrity is not always shiny, but it’s sincere. You may have moments where you aren’t at your classiest, your most gracious, your most confident, or your most poised, but morals and maturity don’t always happen at once. If you have to choose, strong character trumps sophistication.
“Look, let me put it this way: with me, you’re number one and there isn’t even a number two.”
- Charles Bukowski 
“Realize you can be happy this moment for no reason. Otherwise, you eternally depend on conditions for happiness. Unconscious of this moment, you remain a victim of circumstances.”
— Arthur D. Saftlass

Sunday, December 8, 2013

For you




I dislike corgi's very much, but they look so different and way cuter as puppies. I also know someone who would absolutely love this video. That's why I'm posting this. Cause I can picture how happy they would be watching it and I can't share it directly with them.

sixteen seventeen eighteen nineteen - through provoking questions (the end!)

16. Are there things that you sometimes pretend you understand, but actually don’t?
This is a weird question. But I'm 100% sure this happens often. I can't recall them. But I'm sure if you saw me interact in real life you can witness it and notice it's happening.

17. What big lesson could someone learn from your life?
Well my life so far, I think someone can learn just chill out. Don't let anxiousness, insecurities and falling so hard get the best of you. It can be self-destructive. Situations can slip through your fingers faster than you know it if you don't keep this under control. I still don't even have this under control, I just let it happen again the other day. I'm getting better but it's still happening.

18. What have you done lately that’s worth remembering?
I honestly have no idea. I ruined something recently so I guess remember it all. What I did. So with every ounce in me I can avoid letting it happen again.

19. What is the simplest truth you can say with words?
Life goes on.
Even when I feel like, the world is ending. Shit keeps rolling, it's not stopping for nobody.

thirteen fourteen and fifteen - thought provoking questions

13. How do you know when it’s time to let go of something or someone?
This question is so relevant to my life, because this is spot on something that I struggle with trying to figure out. I think it's a serious question, and one I never know the answer too. I think letting go of someone for me at least takes a lot of consideration. I make a lot of my decisions in life based on emotion. Which is self-destructive to say the least, so I end up stretching a situation longer than it should be because I have such a hard time letting go. I think it's time to let go when you're tired of feeling like shit. I tend to exhaust, and endure the painful circumstance and continue to try a number of times before I reach this point but I would love to be able to walk away quicker. There's just I point I hit where I sort of start to feel embarrassed and it clicks "what am I doing? I'm so much better than this." That is when I let go.

14. What do you wish someone would ask you?
I wish someone would ask me: what makes me happy?
I'm trying to determine that on my own so if someone asked me I'd be forced to really thingk about it and remember and apply these things.

15. What have you witnessed that has strengthened/weakened your faith in humanity?
Any one who treats animals badly or doesn't care about the environment, automatically weakens my faith in humanity. Always.

“But insight doesn’t necessarily produce self-control. Sometimes you just see your destructiveness more clearly.”
— Keith Ablow, Denial

Be patient

You should always follow your heart, but also take into account what your brain has to say, to make you the most happy. Time isn’t running out. Be patient and find someone who your heart and mind both agree with. This will save you from spending countless hours from determining if you are in the right relationship or treating the other person as you should. You will know it’s right, when a person satiates both your mind and heart perfectly.

- thought catalog
“Most of us ask for advice when we know the answer but we want a different one.”
-- Ivern Ball 


Me, all the time..
“I always think of you before I fall asleep. The words you said, the way you looked. The things we laughed about, the silent moments we shared. And when I dream, I’ll dream of you. Because it’s about you, it’s always about you.”
“How long they choose to love you will never be your decision.”

Texting excerpt of life's new realizations

The best friend: He's not gonna forget you. You were an important part of his life. But sometimes when you push too hard for something you just push it further away. So whatever is meant to be will happen. And if you guys are meant to get back together again you will. But you can't makee him be your friend just so he won't forget about you. You'll just make him more bitter and ruin it more

Me: I hope soo..
Yeah I think that's why I didn't wanna let him go as a friend. Cause then he'd always be around for us to fix things you know. And by being nice and stuff he'd stop being bitter. That's how I thought about it, but clearly it's the opposite. But yeah I can't push it anymore I just thought I'd say that lastly so he knows how I feel..

Stuck

I just wanna be happy again. Like genuinely happy. Lately I've been underlyingly sad, constantly. How do I switch this around? I just want to have things work out the way they do and be patient and optimistic and happy regardless. 

That's not the way I work though, instead I get depressed and upset with myself over and over again. Everyday. Sometimes I can't take it but I don't know what else there is to do. 

Last time I thought about talking to a professional. But I have no idea how to go about that. So for now I'm stuck with myself. And this blog.

Saturday, December 7, 2013



I forgot this existed. It's amazing. 

And you caused it

Shadows settle on the place, that you left.
Our minds are troubled by the emptiness.
Destroy the middle, it's a waste of time.
From the perfect start to the finish line.

And if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones.
'Cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs.
Setting fire to our insides for fun
Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong
The lovers that went wrong.

We are the reckless,
We are the wild youth
Chasing visions of our futures
One day we'll reveal the truth
That one will die before he gets there.

And if you're still bleeding, you're the lucky ones.
'Cause most of our feelings, they are dead and they are gone.
We're setting fire to our insides for fun.
Collecting pictures from the flood that wrecked our home,
It was a flood that wrecked this home.

And you caused it,
And you caused it,
And you caused it

Well I've lost it all, I'm just a silhouette,
A lifeless face that you'll soon forget,
My eyes are damp from the words you left,
Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest.
Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest.

And if you're in love, then you are the lucky one,
'Cause most of us are bitter over someone.
Setting fire to our insides for fun,
To distract our hearts from ever missing them.
But I'm forever missing him.

And you caused it,
And you caused it,
And you caused it

Daughters - Youth 

Always

"I love you enough to write poetry and essays of your value, volumes on your worth. I know writing them will not draw from you the emotional reciprocation I crave, but I want you to read them anyway…to stumble upon this in some dark corner of the Internet in the late night, lean back in your seat the way you do, and wonder to yourself, “Did she write this about me?” "  
Most of what I write is about him, he's the only person I know who knows how to find this, who I've directly written about. I've been hoping for months now that he stumbles across it sometimes. I want him to sift through all the gibberish, the random posts and notice that I mean what I say to him. I want him to understand how much I miss him. That I'll love him always like I said for two and a half years. And I'll patiently fight for him.. till he realizes.  

At this point I'm trying to deal with it the best way I can by occupying myself. But I'd drop anything and anyone to be with him again. (Even though there's no one to drop, you get my point) Being with him again is so important. 

I'll always be here. 
I'll always be fighting. 
“What you had will come back, again.
In other ways, in other times,
but it will return.”

Friday, December 6, 2013

The good moments

My sister and I don't talk often, like in depth about life. We obviously talk cause we live together. And we know we have eachother's back no matter what even when we're not talking, or I can't stand her breathing in my direction. But as I've gotten older, I've found her of such good use when I hit certain situations, like with advice or needing a good sounding board to vent to and vice versa.

Tonight I took advantage of that and although I laugh a bit at what she says when her motivational speaker comes through, she actually gave me solid advice on what to do next and I'm thankful for it.

I can like relax now, because I feel like things are gonna be fine..
Hopefully. I'm not psychic.

I'm going to fail my last exam tomorrow

I can't even focus right now and the thing is I know there's nothing more I can do. For now at least. So that's like tearing me apart and making me feel so sad. Like deep genuine emotional sadness. It all just slipped right through my fingers. Just like that. I didn't even get a chance to actually grasp it. What is this disappointing situation that happens to be: my life.

It's the same thing every. Single. Time. I have some sort of curse. I'm convinced. That nothing is ever going to grow to become anything solid. It happened several times, that must be the case.This isn't me assuming after one situation, it's been multiple times. So no one can convince me otherwise at all.

I don't even know what else to do. I'm not sad enough to cry or anything, I'm just frustrated. Pure frustration.

Like what the fuck.

I need a game plan.

ten eleven and twelve - thought provoking questions

10. When was the last time you lied? Why?
I think yesterday when I was updating my friends. I said that I was okay. That's it's whatever and I'm over it. I'm not. I'm still pretty bummed and I will be for a while. I lied because, I know that's how I should feel. I should be able to let it go easily. Move on, give up. Forget about something that wasn't even going that long anyway. But I can't. So I tell people I'm okay, then they don't have to worry about me or think something's wrong with me. I know something is wrong with me.

11. What will you never give up on?
University. I want to give up everyday. It's terrible how much I hate it. But I have to finish.

12. What is the most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done?
Ever is a big word. That would mean it would have to be at the top of my list. I don't think I can even remember right now. I am a spontaneous person, but I've yet to do something that is just super amazing. So I'm not gonna bore you.. One day.

Fact

I wake up always in the saddest moods... 

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Bitter

Another situation gone to shit.. This is another one for my future book coming out that will gather and discuss all the amounts of rejection I face and the different boys who brought it upon me. I might as well. There are enough people, for my to write a book about it. And no a thin little one, a novel. I'm only 21, the list is only getting longer too. Get ready for it. I need to start writing these down too, cause I literally can feel myself forgetting. That's how many there are! I think I'm going to forget!

This time around I don't even know what went wrong. Normally I can pin-point where I just about fucked up, this time. I don't know. That's what makes me even more bitter about it. Yeah, I just admitted to being bitter. Do I anticipate this happening every single time? Yes. But does it still feel like crap? Hell yeah. Am I putting up a front like I'm "over it"? YUP.

But such is life. I'm told I can do better and to stay positive. But fuck that noise. I don't even care any more. No body is good enough, and I have no faith in the whole gender... That's the bitterness talking.

I'm also missing someone else. My ex turned best friend, turned continued best friend. And that almost brought me to tears how much I miss him tonight. I want to give up so badly. But I mentally, and physically can't. I just can't. We're supposed to be able to last longer than this. I believe we can. I believe this isn't the end. So I told him I'd be here when he's ready to have me back in his life, cause there is only so much fighting I can do.

every day

“It hurts every day, the absence of someone who was once there.”
— Marie Lu, Champion
I started making plans, thinking we would get that far.
— Daniel Handler, Why We Broke Up

seven eight and nine - thought provoking questions

7. When is silence more meaningful than words?
When cuddling, always. In those awesome moments, talking isn't necessary and being comfortable in the silence makes it so much better.

8. What do you wish you knew?
I wish I knew, if what I hope to happen in life will actually end up happening. And I know it all depends how hard I work and all that stuff but shit happens. So I would like to know for sure. I also wish I knew I wasn't going to end up a lonely cat lady....


9. Are there chances you’ve passed up that you wish you’d have taken?
100% there is. Can I remember them? No. So clearly they weren't that important, all little things. Nothing life changing. Well actually who knows if they would have been life changing, I can look at it that way too.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

There's no right answer..

Before I get into this, I have a confession to make. Midnight Memories is like my favourite right now. I'm not even going to say who's album this is, google it. That's how much of a guilty pleasure it is. I truly think they're all beautiful, so I'm shocked how much I'm enjoying these songs. Anyways, moving on. 

Today I asked my brotha from anotha motha for his opinion, because god knows girls need to ask a guy for their opinion every once in a while. As frustrating as they are making when I think they shouldn't even be breathing our air, the guy friends know what they're talking about sometimes. So I wanted to ask a guy I'm interested in if we're on the same page basically. I wanted an opinion on if it sounded bad or not/if I should or not. He told me not to, and to just enjoy what's going on. But my argument was, if I think it's going to go somewhere or see potential shouldn't I get to know if he does too or my. My friend said "no.. no you don't. That's defeating the purpose of seeing where things go. That means spontaneity." He ended off with telling me, that's just his opinion, and it could work it could not. Then I realized there's no right option. So fuck it. If I wanna ask I will, if I pussy out, I won't.

This all just reminded me that I was really really going to try that this time. I was going to be more chill, not fall so fast. Be patient blah blah blah all that terribly hard stuff. Honestly though, I have been doing way better this time let me just say that. But it was fun while it lasted cause now I want to figure this shit out. Before I go crazy, and waste time going crazy. Is that such a crime!?

I understand where my bro is coming from, he's also the king at it. I'm so jealous. But then my girlfriends who I've discussed it with all think I should just do it.

The curiosity will rip me apart if I don't do it. But I'll also be upset if it makes things weird. I'm not even scared for a no. Honestly it would save me so much trouble either way, ain't nobody got time for being wondering being confused. I think I just don't want to come off as eager, when I'm simply just curious. I don't want to come off  like I'm making this a bigger deal than it actually is, knowing will just dictate my next move. Things will stay the same or I'll walk away.

That's all it is. But shit's gotta be so much more difficult with interpretation, wording and timing. I don't know why I deal with this. I give up on the entire gender.

I don't know why making sure we both want the same thing should be such a big deal. If I want to fucking know, I should be allowed to confidently to find out without breaking any rules and guidelines.
“But rarely do you ever tell people about the true depths of your loneliness, about how you feel more and more alienated from your friends each passing day and you’re not sure how to fix it. It seems like everyone is just better at living than you are.”
— Ryan O’Connell

four five and six - thought provoking questions

4. Whose life do you believe you’ve had the biggest impact on?
This is hard, because I literally can't think of anyone's life I've had any impact on. Minus my parents. So I feel bad but I feel like I have yet to achieve this.

5. What is home to you?
Honestly it's my home city. Not even my actual house, but this city. Which can be a shitty boring place sometimes, over crowded and everyone complains about it daily. But I've lived here my entire life, I know it well and I feel most at home when I know where I am, and am comfortable. When I visit people away for a few days I always eventually feel a bit uneasy, and anxious because that city isn't my home. A sense of relaxation hits me when I finally arrive back here. That's how I know this place is my home. Unless I've flown away somewhere awesome, then truly I never want to come back. When I was dating my ex, this answer would have been different. I would have said wherever he was, and it would have been so true. I felt safe with him no matter where we were or what we were doing. Never anxious or uneasy always safe and comfortable.

6. Is there anybody in your life that you would like to forgive, but haven’t?
I don't think there is anyone. I've been hurt recently, I'm kind of holding a grudge about it, not really. It's complicated. I have no desire to truly forgive him and fully move on from it anyway, it's already happened or is happening and I'll never be okay with it. So is there anybody I would LIKE to forgive? That answer is no.

before sleeping

“I stay up just late enough until I am just exhausted enough that I can fall into my bed and sink into immediate slumber. Because I can’t stand lying in a bed in a dark room alone with just my thoughts for so many hours and hours.”
— Unknown

I can't stress enough how relevant this is, I find myself unconsciously doing this sometimes. If I know I won't fall asleep soon, I don't bother going to bed because thinking about my life sometimes makes me go crazy. Especially because it takes a long while for me to fall asleep, that span of time can be absolute torture.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

“the nightmare of losing you,
is not as awful
as waking up in sweat,
and realizing that having you,
was a dream” 
— Dereck Giguere

first second and third - thought provoking questions

1. What is one of the nicest things someone has ever done for you?
My sister has helped pay for my tuition for university, I say this is one of the nicest thing out of everything because going to school is super important to my journey in life in accomplishing what I want to and it wouldn't have been possible without her most the time, when that time of year rolled around. So yeah, for sure that sibling really has helped me out.


2. Who/what do you love most and what are you doing about it?
This will be a better answer if I do who AND what. So who I love most minus my family because I have no choice and they're a given. Are my best friends. Like the ones I text daily who know everything happening in my life, minute minute play by plays of every crucial situation and the not so crucial ones. The ones I call shamelessly crying who won't judge me and are just there for me no matter what and vice versa. I love them more than anything. What am I doing about it, I make sure they know I'm grateful for each of them and sustaining these relationships as best I can because some of them are just like so once in a lifetime that I can't imagine replacing or letting end.

What I love is writing and music. What am I doing about it? I am writing on a daily basis (kinda) about anything. Mostly the 21 year unfortunate situation that is: my life. As for music I am always listening, reading and searching music daily. I write about music. I go to concerts. I don't mean music as in instrument I mean it as in, like bands, artists, performances etc. And I could be more invested in it (but schools on right now so gimme a break) but I'm never not invested in it so, points for that.


3. How do you show yourself that you love yourself?
Okay I'm going to grow my answer from the idea of those moments where I feel like I really love myself. So I don't care if you think my answer is silly because it's my answer. I show myself I really love myself by doing the physical things such as shaving, putting on make-up, doing my hair, putting lotion on, just getting out the shower and other awesome annoying moments like these. These are such time consuming things to do I realize this, and complain and slack on doing them all the time I admit. But they are what I do, to take care of myself and my appearance and I love myself a great amount when I feel good in my skin and these are the things I do to achieve that. Let me give you a solid example. These past few days I've been stuck in my house doing nothing. When I go a few days without wearing a real outfit or doing my hair or putting on makeup I start to feel like crapola. So tomorrow I'm hanging out with my girlfriends to get my groove back I'm gonna put on a full face of makeup, do my hair, put on some cute clothes, shave and head out the door probably overdone but I don't care because it makes me love being me and feel confident when I'm able to look my best every once in a while. 

Now I mention and label them physical things because they go in that category. Another way I show I love myself is by writing. I'm able to reflect and notice things I wouldn't normally if I didn't take the time to sit down and express them. It doesn't mean I'm always proud of my decisions or the things that happen, but it helps me learn to accept them, accept who I am, where I'm going, how things are at the moment and in turn I'm able to show myself some love and appreciation that I'm doing fine everything is going to be fine, I'm still awesome.

boring boring boring boring.

I could have written so much today. But I've completely slowed down on posting. Not sure why, for a while there it was because I was incredibly upset by something that happened, now I feel like I'm sort of numb to it, and I just want to forget about those people and what's going on. And just focus on being happy. I told my friend I no longer can handle even talking to him because all it does is make me upset, and she said "remember what you said before, your happiness comes first!" And she's awesome for reminding me of that.

Any ways, exams are going pretty good the reason I say I could have written so much today was because I was home all day doing literally nothing. I don't have an exam for another two days, and my last minute studying technique is working so I'm gonna stick with it. Therefore it's been sitting on my laptop all day. Well I had an 8am exam so I definitely napped. But enough about my incredibly boring day.

 I came across this awesome list today of questions to ask yourself and other people and I thought it would be cool to split them up and go through the whole list here. So I will get right on that, there actually pretty thought provoking I must say, so if you meet someone and you want them to spill their guts, check these out. I have yet to use them as I found them today but I promise I will. I will even tell you when I have done it!

Monday, December 2, 2013

“And then it hit me like a bag of bricks. You hurt me like no other. You destroyed me. And no matter what you say or do from this point on, it will never be enough.”

— K.B.


Sunday, December 1, 2013

Scatter brained

Such a solid end to the weekend. Saturday went down to st.catherines/niagara to visit someone, and then we were going to hang out for a friends birthday. I spent more money than I should have of course. But it was a lot of fun. I have no idea where I stand with this person, we click so well. But I think we both can't tell what eachother is thinking about anything. It's we're but I was always not sure about him, because he was just a good distraction talking to him so much. But now I think I'm starting to like him? I put the question mark cause I don't really know. I'm trying to hold off on that as long as I can. To save myself from going mental and getting frustrated.

I'm just over putting any effort, and having it all go to waste. I need someone to come along and put 100% into winning ME over. That's all I want. I have no energy any more to play games, bend over backwards, in hopes they'll fall for me. If I don't see the interest from the start then, byeee.

I also have an exam at 8am that I haven't started studying for, so that's awesome.

Also I deleted the other one's number again. I give trying to talk to him. All it does it get my hopes up and then piss me off because it's not the same. So fuck that. I'm done trying. I'm just not going to talk to him again. Cause I can't even deal with putting myself through that and caring so much about something or someone who doesn't care about me. I feel no more ways about, like I'll miss him, and it sucks we can't just be normal again, but it's not my fault. I'm coming to terms with the fact that if he wants to push me away, then I'm gone.

I think about fighting for him everyday. Everyday before I fall asleep I think of a new way, every morning I contemplate it. But I never take any of my (awesome) ideas seriously because I can't see it being worth it. He used to be so worth it. Before all of this happened we were so amazing and it was so worth it and I thought about then to, but now he's acting like I'm a nobody.

So fuck him.
Over it.