Friday, November 29, 2013

holy shit. accurate.

“It’s important to keep your feelings and your self worth in different places, because when feelings get hurt it shouldn’t change how you view yourself.”
— Kaci Diane
“I think you need to fall in love with the wrong person. I think you need to fight and cry and sweat and bleed and fail. I think you need to have bad relationships and bad breakups. I think you need all of that so that when the right person and the right relationship comes along you can sigh with relief and say, “Ah yes. That is how its supposed to feel.”
— Excerpt from “Conversations with my Mother”

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

“If they miss you, they’ll call. If they want you, they’ll say it. If they care, they’ll show it. And if not, they aren’t worth your time.”

Nothing is wrong with you


Tuesday, November 26, 2013

The male species

I hate them all..
All of them.
Every single one.
I can't even deal any more.

Existential Bummer



Filmmaker Jason Silva Is Inspiring Us To Live Life To The Fullest

This was amazing.

In it, Silva asks: How should we react to the fact that everything we love will eventually come to an end?
Watch his response above.

I find myself thinking this way constantly and it's a good question, I never know how to react. I let it consume me. Then I sit there and way for it to slip away right through my fingers, because well I saw it was bound to happen eventually right?

Do we love harder? Or do we just make sure we have no attachment to anything.
"I think we hold on to eachother a little harder and say I will not let go.. Or at least I'm going to try"

Tell me why you couldn't try

I can't say that I'm sorry
For getting so ahead of myself
I can't say that I'm sorry
For loving you and hating myself

I had nothing to show you
I had nothing to hold you down
It's killing me to walk away

How come you don't want me now?
Why don't you want to wait this out?
How come you always lead me on,
Never take my call, hear me out?
Why don't you want to win me now?
Why don't you want to show me off?
Tell me why you couldn't try,
Couldn't try and keep me here

I see you by my house
Walking with a different girl
I see you by my house
Talking with a different girl

She's got nothing to show you
She's got nothing to hold you down
You're killing me to walk away

One day soon
I won't be the one who waits for you
Someday soon
I won't be the one who waits for you

How come you don't want me now?

How come you always lead me on,
Never take my call, hear me out?

Why don't you want to win me now?

Tell me why you couldn't try,
Couldn't try and keep me here


Tegan and Sara - How come you don't want me

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Part of your path

“Feeling unsure and lost is part of your path. Don’t avoid it. See what those feelings are showing you and use it. Take a breath. You’ll be okay. Even if you don’t feel okay all the time.”
— Louis C.K.

Feeling so unsure lately. About a lot of things. I have no idea what I want anymore and I can't pin point exactly what I'm feeling either. I'm trying to be patient and hopeful that time will help me figure this whole thing out. When I complain like this, I feel like I come off like I feel entitled to have everything come easy. And I don't, no one promised me that. But that's not to say it's not difficult or I can't feel lost and confused.

I'm constantly making decisions, I'm not sure of. 

What you miss is the feeling, the security

From: Falling in Love Again 

do you really miss him, or do you just miss being in love?

Yes, you can miss him. After all, you made a lot of vivid memories in the years you were together. Maybe some part of you is desperately thinking that “I did not invest in someone for all those years, trying to build a future with him, only to find out it was all for nothing?!”

We’ve probably all been there, done that. The thing is, when you’re the one who gets left behind, you go down three ways: 1) You eat your weight in junk food; 2) You take diet and working out to a whole new level; and 3) You’re lost. You want to replace him but you’re scared that every other man in the world will break your heart, too. You try to be an “independent woman,” but you miss the feeling of being in love, especially when it seems like the moment you became single, every single friend of yours got a new boyfriend.

So here’s the 411: yes, what you probably had was love. But the operative word is “was.” I do believe that if you still loved each other, then you’d still be together. But what you miss right now, months or even years after the break-up, isn’t him. It’s the feeling of having someone hold your hand and tell you that everything’s going to be okay after a long shitty day. It’s the two-hour car rides into oblivion, singing your heart out to some cheesy 90’s music. It’s the security that someone knows everything about you, and loves you regardless.

You can have that kind of love again, if you want it. Fall in love with yourself. Invest in a good career, treat yourself to a couple of traveling or shopping trips, spend some time alone. It isn’t all that bad. Make yourself the kind of person that you would fall in love with, and eventually, you’ll be ready to let someone else in again. Someone who would fall in love with you the way you deserve to be loved. Excuse the clichĂ©, you’re probably sick of hearing about all this from your own friends, but you will be okay. Someday you will look back on all this and be thankful that you had your time alone, when you learned to fall in love with yourself.

Friday, November 22, 2013

Change

"Energy, matter, its always changing, morphing, merging, growing, dying
it’s the way people try not to change that unnatural
the way we cling to what things were instead of letting them be what they are
the way we cling to old memories instead of starting new ones
the way we insist on believing
despite ever scientific indication that anything in this life time is permanent
change is constant
how we experience change
that’s up to us
it can feel like death
or a second chance at life
if we open our fingers loosen our grips -- go with it
it can feel like pure adrenaline
like at any moment we can have another chance at life
like at any moment we can be born all over again."

- Greys Anatomy

How To Succeed In Your 20's



I love him.
Ryan O'Connell has the career I want and he hasn't even reached his peak yet. He's one of the talented writers at thought catalog, he also writes for awkward (which coincidently before I knew this, I was already a big fan) and I've read pretty much all of his articles. In this video at one point he says "how did you get your life? Can I have it?" I want to ask him and know these exact same things.

1. Say goodbye to your ego and your vanity
2.Quit your internships
3. LOL at those who doubt you
4. Boundaries
5. Be a hustler 

"I mean basically like when we got our diploma's the world literally was LOLing at us
Be innovative, be fearless, if there's not a job out there for you create one for yourself. Be tenacious, be ballsy and you have to be a little bit of a brat."


Thank you Ryan, thank you.

Dialogue

We're talking now. Just texting. God knows we've deleted and blocked each other off everything so that's a hassle. But I still won't be able to see any of that stuff. So I said, we will just leave it at texting and that's it. That is where we will start. We decided that would be our deal. And even though we can't talk about the situation. That's what I'm going to call it. A situation, I'm just trying to block it out. And imagine some alternate scenario that I've made up in my head, where that's not going on. It helps.

I'm already, happier. We're homies. That's what we are. Besides all the the complicated stuff, we're homies. He said he was sure we'd talk again, but I wasn't. Why wasn't I sure? I don't even know. It felt like he was pushing me farther than I was ready for him to get and that scared me. I was scared, he wasnt't going to come back. My preparation and decision to step away was very half-assed to begin with, and then it was reassured from anger. And that wasn't healthy for me to handle. I don't even do well with grudges. So who was I kidding, going months mad at the guy.

We'll get through it. We're always gonna be homies.
“In this moment, you don’t need all the answers. They will come to you in time, or not, or maybe the unnecessary questions will fall away.”
- Jeff Foster
"I think that anybody who's anti-selfie is really just a hater. Because, truthfully, why shouldn't people take pictures of themselves? When I'm on Instagram and I see that somebody took a picture of themselves, I'm like, 'Thank you.' I don't need to see a picture of the sky, the trees, plants. There's only one you... There's all this bullshit about 'the younger kids today are more self-absorbed.' It's like, give me a fucking break! I've been in nursing homes, where my grandma is. I've seen some of the most selfish people on the planet in there... And the world that these kids are born into literally could not get more selfish. The world is so fucked-up and unequal and full of assholes. You can't blame it on the younger generation."
--Vampire Weekend frontman Ezra Koenig defends the youth's Right to Selfie. (via Rolling Stone)

Walking away is so hard.. I'd just rather not do it.

15  moments that tell you it's time to walk away

4. When you’re about to lose your temper with someone who doesn’t deserve to be receiving the brunt end of your anger when their actions really just ignited something deeper.

6. When you’re about to do something seemingly necessary but entirely unfair to someone with whom your relationship is more important than expressing dissatisfaction in such a way.

14. When you’re an option, not a priority.

15. When you’re more in love with the idea of someone than you are with them.

Just a few awesome ones I could be reminded of sometimes..

Like fuckk, I'm trying!

I just sent a massive text message I don't even think he'll read and I apologized. That's a big fucking deal considering I was having none of that a week ago. NONE. But I'm trying really hard to fix what I'm dealing with. I have no idea what the end result will be at all. We could literally be done with having each other in our lives. That would be the worst case scenario. But it's a possibility, or everything could go back to the way it was as friends. I just know that I've never wanted to try this hard for anyone before. I mean I've never been proactive. I always just chill. But look at me now all grown up, I'm taking action. Like someone give me a gold star cause shit is being done!

Anyway, I swallowed my pride and genuinely apologized. Because I truly feel bad at this point, specially that it pushed him this far away. When he took space from me. I was right there waiting. When he left the room, I sat there. And I waited, patiently. The case right now, this boy has left the mother fucking building. The city. Now I'm here trying to find the guy and he's gone. That is the best picture I can paint for you all. I'm pretty proud of that description because it's so accurate. He's gone, and I feel lost.

Well, all I can do is wait. I guess. There is a 99% chance that he's blocked my number, because imessage can do that now (curse you apple!). So I could be waiting for nothing.

But I tried. I can't say I never tried. It was the most impulsive decision. But I feel better doing it. It's my first step to feeling normal again.

Just had a cry session

How am I not supposed to question my decision when it hurts me this much? How am I supposed to stand by how I feel about this if it's literally killing me? And then it kills me even more when I think about why I got upset in the first place.

I feel so emotionally exhausted. Every time there's something that's eating at me. All the time. As soon as one thing is over. This happens and now I'm incredibly miserable and sad all over again. I feel like a part of me is missing. Like I can't be entirely myself if I don't have this person to bounce off when I need to. Is that weird? I know I miss him, but it's like a serious missing, like I feel as I carry out my day something is just incomplete. Like something is out of place. That's a constant feeling I have and it's painful. It never goes away, ever.

It's probably because this isn't supposed to be like this. We work. Something that makes me this mad shouldn't stop us from getting along or cause me to want to ring your neck so bad. But it does. It does a lot. And I don't know how to deal with that. I don't think I should be at fault or suffering because I don't know how to handle this. How the fuck am I supposed to handle it? Of course I'm fucking rattled. Every one of my girl friends would be. I put up with her for the sake of our relationship. I became "friends" with her because I would see her around because we were together and she was your friend. So I wanted to be civil. I bent over backwards to be nice to a girl I had a problem with and who had a problem with me. Do you not understand. Because of you I was forced to even be friends with her. I didn't even want to be. Ever. And now you want to start seeing this person. Are you being fucking shady? Or are you being fucking shady?

I'm not the psycho one here. Like I went psycho on you, but my feelings aren't. Of course I'm fucking rattled. Of course I still care about you. Of course I don't want her of all people, of all people on the planet to have you. Why couldn't it be someone I don't even know. That's totally new. Like before. No, this time you had to take the lowest, absolute lowest blow. 

ugh, like what the actual fuck bro.


Sommetimes I write like I think you're going to read it. Even though I'm convinced you don't give two shits about me any more. 

Thursday, November 21, 2013

This quote just killed it.

“I was told that time would heal all wounds. But, what exactly do you do on days when it feels like the hands on your clock have arthritis?”
— Rudy Francisco

Gushy, cheesy, extravagant just give me all of it.

This is a 27 minute video, of a man who planned the most extravagant well thought out cute and funny proposal I've ever seen. Now my opinion of this is incredibly bias because I want all of this. To me, this is the best proposal I've ever watched, this girl is the luckiest on the planet and it raised my standards to new heights. My friends on the other hand thought he was a wiener and this was lame.

Which made me realize what I expect compared to my other close girlfriends. They didn't convince me to think otherwise, which I pride myself on. If I have an opinion or I like something I'll never change my stance just because I'm the only one with it. But anyway, I realized that I want my future fiancée, husband, boyfriend whatever to put all of this effort. Maybe not exactly like he did in this video but, the gushy-ness that makes my friends want to throw up that's what I want. It's just what I need. I mean I'm all for the sentimental part. Since at the end he does give an adorable speech. (which my friend called long-winded.. she's on crack) And the tone was brought down and it was just so romantic and I loved every second of it.

I feel like I just want to see that kind of effort. Like shoot me, if I'm talking like a shit ton of effort but sorry! He needs to just fucking do it. I don't think it's wrong that I need to physically see it with my eyes how much he's put in the proposal. I don't think I'm wrong for expecting him to do his absolute ultimate best to lead up to asking the big question. Me wanting this or this being something that would make me so stupid happy, or feel so stupid special is just a part of who I am. And the future person who's blessed with the opportunity to propose to me will accept that, and live up to pleasing me.

Anyway, watch the video cause it's awesome and determine for yourself. They're a beautiful couple. It's cheesy but I love it.

"We push ourselves because we have to, not because we like it
the relentless climb, the pain and anguish of taking it to the next level
nobody takes pictures of that
nobody wants to remember
we just want to remember the view from the top
that’s what keeps up climbing
and it’s worth the pain
that’s the crazy part
it’s worth anything"

Evidence

Looking at my little blog archive over there to the right, I just realized the post amount difference at the top to the bottom. These last three months have clearly just been terrible for me. Look at those numbers compared to the lower months. Cause when I post a lot, we all know that's what that means.

On top of that, I just spend more time then ever at home.

Those number are evidence of both these things.
“Maybe not now, but maybe later we’ll fall back in place together." 
— Andrew Phan
If you want to take me, baby, please
Been holding on for eternity
Save you only for me
Missing you never led to much of anything
If you wanna know, if you wanna show me
What it means, what it seems, seems to be
Held by a thread,
Tried to forget
But I´ll never let it go



- HAIM: My Song 5 

What the fuck John Legend?

I finally listened to his latest album cause a friend posted made to love on facebook long long ago and it made my ears so happy. But now that I'm almost finished listening to the whole album (of course downloaded that deluxe edition). This is just not the album to listen to if you're trying to move on and/or forget about someone and/or not talk to someone you loved. Not at all.

Don't get my wrong, the music is glorious and his voice is angelic. But let's be serious, if you wan't an album that will absolutely not help you when you're in this situation, it's this damn album. It makes you reminisce like a mother fucker. Like common John, why you gotta do that?

I mean if I wasn't in an extra sad, confused, weird, lonely mood I would totally love this because I haven't found a song yet that I would want to skip. They're all pretty awesome. But I'm on the second last track now and I'm going to have to put this shit away for a while after it's done until I hit another, happier more positive point in my life. Cause I'm about to cry. Well not actually cry, but you know what I mean... No I lied I'm gonna cry.




Don't let anybody tell you what you feel is wrong

"And what’s more is that though it’s hard because emotional pain is not quantifiable, nothing really is at the end of the day. There is only one thing that validates your feelings and that’s if you feel them. Your sexuality, your experiences, your love for someone despite it being one-sided, your opinions, your mistakes, your shame, your passion and whatever little bit of faith keeps you going is yours, it does not need to be valid to others because our lives are not for the consumption of others to pick and analyze. They’re for us to live."
- Brianna Wiest 

Throwback Thursday

This song was my favourite back in the day, by that I mean around 2006 when it came out. I'm not ashamed to say I played it non-stop. It's Thursday, so instead of a throwback photo like instagram compels everyone to share, I'm gonna leave one of my most nostalgic songs right here.  



My game is outta control


Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Oh stop it Taylor, just stop. With your super relatable lyrics..

People would say, "They're the lucky ones."
I used to know my place was a spot next to you,
Now I'm searching the room for an empty seat,
'Cause lately I don't even know what page you're on.

Oh, a simple complication,
Miscommunications lead to fall-out.
So many things that I wish you knew,
So many walls that I can't break through.

Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking,
And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah?
I don't know what to say, since the twist of fate when it all broke down,
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.

How'd we end up this way?
See me nervously pulling at my clothes and trying to look busy,
And you're doing your best to avoid me.
I'm starting to think one day I'll tell the story of us,
How I was losing my mind when I saw you here,
But you held your pride like you should've held me.

Oh, I'm scared to see the ending,
Why are we pretending this is nothing?
I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how,
I've never heard silence quite this loud.

This is looking like a contest,
Of who can act like they care less,
But I liked it better when you were on my side.
The battle's in your hands now,
But I would lay my armor down
If you said you'd rather love than fight.
So many things that you wished I knew,
But the story of us might be ending soon.
“Opening your heart and being courageous and telling people that you care about them or like them or that you think they’re special only makes you a better, bigger, kinder, softer, more loving person and only attracts more love in your life.”
— Amy Poehler 

New honest genuine realisations and I saw him today (and almost puked)

I was talking to my friend just now, about everything again in depth. Because I didn't get a chance to.

Fun Terrible Fact: I saw him today. Well the back of him. Of course the second I saw I put my head down and started looking at my phone sending pointless texts. There was so many emotions happening at once. I almost threw up. Just projectile, on my phone. Thank god I didn't cause I was trying to go unnoticed and that would have for sure blew my cover.

Anyway, back to what I was saying. I realized there was so much more I want to tell him. So much more. Like I don't even think I can type this fast enough to get it all out. I think the reason that it bothers me so much that he's seeing her, is that I've always thought she was sketchy but besides that I think, I don't think she's good enough for him. That's it. I know her enough. I've been around for almost three years seeing her around. And I really don't think she's good enough. And this isn't me saying I'm good enough. This is me saying he deserves better. Bottom line. He's one of the most amazing people I've ever been able to have in my life. Amazing is such a general word. But by that I mean all around, in every category. And he is someone, I feel deserves the best.

It just makes me so frustrated because I know this comes off as selfish, it comes off like I don't care, or want him happy but it's the total opposite. Me being mad about this whole thing, stems from how much I do care about him and want him to be happy. The kid is was hands down is one of my best friends. If I missed him before this all happened. (which you can find me admitting if you search past posts) I sure as hell miss him now. And I want the best for someone who means this much to me. I let him go. It was a stupid. But for what? For someone who in no way shape or form deserves to have him. She's not good enough. NOOPE.

I would love to tell all these things to him. My friend says I should, she doesn't believe in us not talking. But I feel like it will build another argument and he still won't get it. I wish I got to add this in when we were first discussing. But now I feel like it's too late.

I'm being so stubborn. I don't care though cause screw them both. But what am I hoping will happen after the silent treatment to one another? That one day I'll be okay with the whole thing and starting talking to him again. I highly highly highly doubt that I'm ever going to be okay with this. The last thing he said to me "I hope this break gives you what you want" (I interpreted that as rude and insincere but anyway). Now I'm thinking like what the fuck do I want?
I want them to stop fucking seeing each other. So if that's not going to happen then..

Should I start coming terms with us just never talking again? I dunno.

It's only Wednesday. Shit went down on Saturday. I'm already going insane. I've lost one of my best friends. I can't see myself hitting my breaking point though, because every time. Every single time. I think about contacting him. I think about the two of them. Then I can't do it.

So the ranting continues...

This is why I do this, every single day.

An excerpt from:
Why You Need To Write

Even when you believe that you have no story to tell, peel apart the fleshy pink undersides of your brain and untangle the red-and-blue vines that wrap around your heart until you find the words you thought had escaped you.

Purchase notebooks, pens, and pencils. But don’t purchase erasers. Erasing your thoughts forces them into oblivion. It reduces them into only bits of rubber on a wide, naked expanse that you could have used to flesh them out into breathing, crying, laughing characters and stomach-tossing, chest-pounding stories.

Don’t you see how using erasers is tragic?

Instead, leave your imperfect thoughts on the page. Scratch through them — carefully, so that you don’t obscure them. Cultivate these infertile words. Use them. Fallow them. Watch different — greener, stronger — thoughts sprout from what you would have laid to waste.

Let writers who came before you hand you the bricks and mortar you will need to construct your own style.

Realize that they — like me, like you, like anyone has ever stared hopelessly at a blank sheet of paper — have experienced moments of silence. They have doubted their skill, questioned their passion, and wondered if this was really what they knew how to do.

Understand what they understood: writing, like any art, requires the willingness to split yourself open and shake the stories from your bones, snatch the words that rest in your marrow.

So, write. Fill empty spaces with pregnant phrases, clauses, fragments — thoughts half-formed or fully developed — until your wrist aches and your eyes blur.

Try. Try over and over and over again. Fail. Succeed. Write garbage. Write gold.

But, just write.


"We learn that when we have strong opinions, we’ll be called bitches and that if we get angry, we’ll be called hysterical. When we say what we want, we’re called pushy or aggressive.

Part of learning “ladylike” behaviour is about learning to smile politely when someone is being crude. Men fight, women giggle and fume silently.” 
Women And Girls Don’t Need To Be Told To Be Nicer | xoJane (via brute-reason)

Alone on my four hour break, so the posts keep coming

So today me and my brother were on our way to school, he was driving and there was a women named Ashley Graham on the radio who is a "plus size" model. She prefers to be called curvy, but that's besides the point right now. Oh, by the way she's a smoke show.

Anyway, she explained that she is 5 foot 9, size 14 , 190 pounds and that she wants to advocate that women can love their cellulite and curves and what not and be happy with their body. That the photos we see in magazines, even of herself are edited and altered so ridiculously. So women shouldn't hold that up as any standard.

My brother chimes in and says I don't know how I feel about that. That sounds a bit like lazy talk to me. Now, something to remember is that, my brother is a personal trainer, and big into fitness and all that stuff. So in his mind, he knows it's possible to look the way you want to. He tells his clients that, he did it. His job revolves around being proactive. So for him to hear someone say, just love yourself the way you are, just doesn't sit well with him.

It made me wonder and realize that although his mindset is a bit harsh, and god knows his daughter is going to have to deal with that -- it makes sense. He's  thinking logically. It's easier to have to go into the psychological part in making yourself be happy about your body when you can just make your body look how you want it to. He's a walking Nike ad saying "just do it".

I just feel like people besides my brother need to advocate that more too. We agreed obesity is a real thing, being so unhealthy your life is in jeopardy is a real thing. And I feel like this whole love yourself no matter what, is super circumstantial and can't necessarily apply to everyone. In that sense, I feel like it can get pretty dangerous.

I'm all for a curvy girl. But above all, I'm all for a healthy girl too.

Side Note: anyone who knows me, knows I absolutely hate motivational songs too. I don't even know why. I think I hate that they tell everyone to love themselves, that everyone is awesome, we're all perfect. When in actuality I hate pretty much everyone. So maybe I'm cold and I just don't want singers telling people that shit.

So moral of the story, me and my brother clearly enjoy shooting down those trying to do good for others.

Which is funny because our sister is a motivational speaker.

Easier said than done, but I completely agree.

An excerpt from:
No Sex Before the Fifth Date! And Other Lies We Tell Ourselves

Some people have selective hearing; I’m convinced women have selective sight when it comes to men. Because the sweet, considerate, worthy men are out there. They are asking us on dates and nervously drafting texts to send us and worshiping us for the goddesses we are; however, we dismiss them. They bore us because they don’t present us with a challenge. Instead, we focus our attention on the projects. The “bad boys”. The ones with complicated pasts and identity issues and stained t-shirts. Why? Because we’re convinced we can fix them: the recipe for disaster.

We feel so accomplished when these guys choose to pay us attention. It’s a truth that has stood the test of time. We want what we can’t have. More importantly, we want what we shouldn’t have.

So herein lies the problem. We are putting our self-worth into the hands of these sorry, undeserving guys, and hoping to feel better about ourselves. No matter how confident, independent, and beautiful we might feel and act, we are insecure beings. I don’t know why. And I can’t speak for every woman. But from my experience, we all have this innate vulnerability that manifests itself as insecurity. And being with men and having sex with them, even if it’s fleeting, it’s a confidence boost. We crave the high we get when a guy calls us beautiful or wants to be with us. Even though most of the time it’s only to have sex, that’s fine, because the sex is the ultimate confidence boost. We feel so wanted and alive. We feel sure of ourselves. But then the crash starts. Because that guy, he’s going to stop calling. He’s not interested in what we have to say or how smart we are or what our worldview is. He said all those things to get us naked. And it worked. And his job is done and he can move on the next one.

But see women work in the opposite way. We are unfeeling at first. Welcoming a one night stand with no strings attached: wham bam thank you ma’am. We are independent women and we can use men just like they use us. But as soon as the sex is over, my theory is that it happens right after climax, it begins to fall apart. The confidence subsides and we begin to feel vulnerable, used, discarded. We ache to feel the way we did before the sex: powerful and in charge. But we don’t recognize this ache as a symptom of withdrawal. So we crave this person, this body, desperately reaching for them to give us back that feeling. Mere moments before we were as intertwined as two human bodies can physically be, but are now left feeling completely disconnected and alone as we lie inches apart willing them to reach out and kiss our cheek or brush the hair out of our eyes; any amount of physical validation to halt this impending wave of emptiness.

So I’d like to instate a new rule. Let’s pay attention to ourselves! Embrace our beauty, embrace each other’s beauty; and not only our physical beauty, but also embrace our undeniable emotional and mental beauty, as well. Applaud our ability to not only sexually stimulate, but also intellectually stimulate. We need to stop comparing ourselves to one another and instead start encouraging and supporting each other. Why are we relying on these men, these outsiders, to tell us things we already know? We’re all fuckin’ rock stars, we don’t need some guy with tattoos and cigarette breath to remind us. We don’t need a half-assed attempt at romance or a scrawny arm around our waist to know our worth. We need each other.

- Lauren Ellman


I loved the way this was written. She captured so well how true all of this is.

Youtube is life

I have such amazing friends! My friend helped me with this extra credit project and there was so much we planned to do with it but she switched things up and cut things out and I wasn't sure what the final video would look like. But it turned out beautiful.

Going to the Buffer Festival was a pretty big deal, and I would have had literally no one else to go with if this girl didn't come with me. I actually don't have any other friends who watch youtube or understand it's community as much as I do. To be honest, my friends understand it and know more than me and I love it. We can talk about it for hours. And watching youtube is such a private thing, it's just awesome to be able to talk about it with other people, as well have someone to go with to meet them.

It's so inspiring seeing all those creative people share what they've created and be so incredibly entertained by it, daily. It's hard not to grow attached to these people who genuinely just enjoy doing what they love. I don't know when it happened, probably in the last few years but youtube has become a stupidly big part of my everyday life.
“i keep
writing and erasing.
typing and backspacing
all of the things you will never get to hear me say.”
“You deserve happiness. So I left.”
“Loneliness is designed to help you discover who you are…and to stop looking outside yourself for your worth.”
— Mandy Hale

“There is love in holding and there is love in letting go.”
— Elizabeth Berg, The Year of Pleasures

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

THANK YOU

Second mutual friend, who totally gets it and fully understands why I was so rattled. Your support is greatly appreciated.

My life, always


“I wish more people cared about the earth as much as they cared about who they believed created it.”
"Sometimes you can't limit exposure, sometimes the injury is so bad. You have to cut, and cut big."

Spicing things up with a video.

Sarah Kay & Phil Kaye "When Love Arrives"
" Maybe love is not ready for you, maybe you are not ready for love.. Maybe love stays, maybe love can't. Maybe love shouldn't. Love arrives exactly when it is supposed to and love leaves exactly when love must. "


I was shown this today, these two have a pretty cool story. But I really enjoyed this for some reason.
This is a game changer here, first time sharing a video! I'll try to do this more often. Spice things up.

Every single time

"I realized you weren’t there any more, and every time, every single time, it was like having the wind knocked out of me"

It's only been about three days. And I come across at least like ten things a day I would want to tell you. Things that would only make sense telling you, that I would have no one else to talk about with or laugh about it with. I've thought about writing them all down. To keep track. Then I get lazy and convince myself I'll remember them. Lord knows I won't.

Longdistance anything

I actually haven't written about this person yet. He got a one line mention down below actually. But I feel like a person isn't real until I've written about them. Or at least they're nothing to be taken seriously if I haven't. I don't know why I've waited so long this time though cause he's been around for a while. Maybe I'm not trying to get into my old habit of being too eager, and anxious. Maybe I'm still scared to even let myself open up to this person or about this person on here cause that's a sign I've not only got feelings growing but of vulnerability, and weakness. And considering the whole world seems to be on this tag team of hurting me. I'm in no rush to land myself in a situation where those to two things happen.

It's different than anything else I've had to deal with before though. Which is why I chose to mention it now. This is someone I have to wait weeks to see. Who's living in a city, that's a three hour bus ride away. (cause who has their own car though?) I'm not saying it's hard yet, cause we aren't really actually anything. Considering we're always so far away, we text. We text, a lot. And it's different.

I almost saw him today but plans didn't work out. Minus the glimpse of hope I might have seen him today, I'm currently in the middle of waiting like several weeks to see the kid. Our plans today were pretty last minute and set up last night, but because I haven't see him in so long, I still got excited because the waiting is just plain terrible.

Like texting is all awesome. But I feel like we've been texting forever. That's all we do. (I hate talking on the phone and who has time for that) Like what is this. How did I end up in this situation of a long distance anything. I've done a wonderful job of avoiding it so far in life but the luck ran out. And the thing is, it's someone I legitimately want to give a chance too. So I can't even write it off. I'm genuinely curious on what could happen here.

Monday, November 18, 2013

gagging

Just updated my sister on the whole situation. Almost started gagging. It went from a split second of sadness, to furious, now today I'm just disgusted. By them both. After I said it all out loud to my sister, I just realized they both gross me out now. Like ew. At first it was just of her but now, when I think about it, that fact that he's even going there. Yeah no, the both of them.
Not even with a 10foot pole would I touch.

She also agreed with me on everything. Which makes me feel even more right because she's the first person to tell me I'm wrong and shoot me down. Also agreed that this girl's not cute. Thankkk. Youu.

This G has my back!

People will act offended and appalled

It is okay to want your own happiness. It’s okay to care about yourself the most. You are not obligated to sit there and smile and swallow every bit of shit everyone heaps on you. You are more than furniture, you’re more than window dressing, you’re not their shiny toy. You’re human, and you have the right to say “That was shitty of you”. You have a right to protest your own mistreatment and set boundaries for respectful interactions. The rest of the world doesn’t realize you have this right, and they will act offended and appalled when you exercise it, but it is yours.

I was specifically looking for this quote today deep on my tumblr. To post on fb obviously. Because it's so relevant and I agree with it a ton. I saw it long ago, but for some reason I have this quote library in my brain of the ones that are important and really speak to me and how I feel. So I remembered this one and I'm so happy I found it. Too bad someone who acted hella offended recently isn't even my facebook friend to see it. That's my fault though, so I'm not complaining. 
I've been dealing with situations this way for a long time now though, not only in recently but dealing with number of other people in the last several months and I feel like everyone should be exercising this right. Who the hell is biting their tongue, for what? My happiness, trumps all. But I also feel like if I say more people need to make this happen more often, in turn others also need to grow thicker skin and understand what's being said to them. 

The end to my ridiculous weekend.

What is it with ex's this past weekend!? My best friend's ex decides to text her out of the blue cause they never talk any more and start spewing out all this weird shit about being resolving their issues, and how he just broke up with his ex. In the end they decided they would try and be cool but like the way he approached it from the start we both agreed was kinda rude and disrespectful. I literally don't understand how the male species brain functions. It doesn't function. Lets just go with that instead.

I also went to my first poetry slam yesterday. It was amazing. I've never taken a liking to poetry, like I like watching it. And I read, a little bit. But I've never been interested in ever writing it. That hasn't change but the whole thing still fascinates me so much, being someone who enjoys writing. Seeing spoken word in real life, it's literally like the way they perform it, brings the words soo much life. It sounds like maybe a little cheesy but it's true. It's completely different, reading poetry or even watching it in a video, then seeing it spoken in a nice cozy little bar performed and I loved it. I would never be able to judge them because that they even go up there, there is already mad mad respect.

The judges are audience members which is something I don't like because they dont necessarily know what makes a good poem. They are just judging by how entertained they are. Which is hard to determine because the topicss vary so much. I just personally would like to be judged by poets who are way better than me. Not random people.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

BYEEEEEEEEE.

You just texted me. But like, I feel like I still want to punch you. Straight in the face. Do you think you're right in what that text said. After me being upset, even though you don't fully understand it.. You're gonna come at me and say, seeing her is what makes you happy, and that you're gonna live your life the way you want. Kay well that's awesome go away then. Cause I don't wanna hear or see or know anything more about you and how this fucking bitch makes you happy. Her face makes me wanna puke now.. Not sorry.

It makes me more mad and upset that you can't just be mature and understanding of why I'm upset. Even if you don't agree with it. Because that's what a friend and grown ass man would do. But you're gonna give a half ass attempt at that last message, throw jabs and after say oh, but I still wanna be your friend? Making me look like the bad guy because I want my space and need to delete you and cut ties with our friendship. I'm not the bad guy here. I've been nothing but honest with you from day one.

What are you even trying to say? I feel like I'm being sincere and genuine and admitting my fault in why I'm this upset. And he's trying to shove it in my face and justify why I have no reason to be upset. Am I supposed to bite my tongue and tell you congratulations? That I'm so fucking stoked the last person on the planet I would have ever been okay with you seeing is the girl you're talking to? Am I supposed to throw you a fucking party?

Like BYEEEEEEEE.

On a side note, and mutual friend sent me the sweetest inbox message on facebook. If you see this I started watching the movie, and I really appreciated you reaching out like that. She understood where I was coming from, which I only think girls are getting, and sympathises with the fact that dealing with ex's is just plain terrible.
When you give someone your whole heart and he doesn’t want it, you cannot take it back. It’s gone forever.
-- Sylvia Plath
If you expect nothing from anybody, you’re never disappointed.
-- Sylvia Plath
I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart. I am, I am, I am.
-- Sylvia Plath

Can you understand? Someone, somewhere, can you understand me a little, love me a little? For all my despair, for all my ideals, for all that – I love life. But it is hard, and I have so much – so very much to learn.
-- Sylvia Plath  

True love right there

I woke up to this and it was so sweet. She's so right but I love her even more for reminding me. I was crying on the phone to her last night, and she wasn't having it, her first words were: "no, no, stop. you cannot. he's not even worth it." 
She da besttt. She looks at it not just that I'm crying I'm sad but always mostly that I'm crying and upset, over him.

Fact: anyone who does anything to result in me doing that, wasn't even worth it in the first place. 

Deleted

Unfriended off facebook and unfollowed on instagram. I didnt even unfriend the other one off facebook so this is a big deal. I need my space. So I'm giving myself a ton of space. Clearly he doesn't give a shit.

But like bitches be crazy...

But my best friends are the best things to come into my life since poutines and sushi. They are so on the ball with being there for me I love them so much.

Anyways, turns out he is seeing her. And I snapped. like a couple notches more than I should have. Like on a scale of one to ten without useing caps lock, I was a solid 12. I don't regret it for a second. I'm not holding back anymore. I'm over that life, of holding in what I really want to say because I'll come off as a bitch. I don't give a shit anymore. I have reasoning for the way I feel and I will rip you a new one if I see fit.

Back to the point. I snapped. I was fuming. I mean there are so many details I could get into right now, as for what he said what I said blah blah. Either way, I wanna punch him. I don't wanna see her face ever again.
What else, clearly I can't handle being his friend cause I still care. He's acting like he doesn't care. Which made me more upset. But I know him. And I know he cares. So it's whatever.

Bottom line none of it is okay. My girlfriends know it. They agree with me. I need space. I need to relax. Somehow.  Probably going to watch greys anatomy..


another boy that needs to be un-friended and unfollowed. AGAIN. I don't want to see anything, I don't want to know anything. The fact that I HAVE to go through all of this, makes me hate living in 2013. Why can't I just continue my life with ease. No. Instead I gotta coach myself into clicking these two buttons to cut ties.



Saturday, November 16, 2013

I'm thinking more now

I've started to wonder why it would even make me so bothered. My friend right now is totally 1000% DISagreeing with me. And I'm not getting mad or frustrated with him, we're just having a healthy debate. But I'm starting to wonder why it would get to me so much.

And yeah I admit, it's because I still miss him a lot. Everyday I miss that kid. I saw my entire future with him in it. For three years straight. I begged for him back when I let him go. And he said he wanted to be single. I'm not a criminal for trying to move on or seeing other people. But he is, for saying he wants to be single and then dating the last person on the planet I would ever be okay with him dating.

There I said it. That is what I also have a problem with.

Anyway. I can't handle this. I'm not equip to deal with ex situations like this. I don't know what to do.

madness, and murder.

So I think something might be going on between someone pretty important in my life, and someone else it took me a long time to be cool with..  Like a long time. If this is the case. I've already decided I'm not talking to either of them. I already don't really talk to her. But I will one hundred-thousand percent not be speaking to him.

It all stems from the fact that I know they hung out together.....

The thing that my guy friends aren't grasping is that, it's her. This isn't some random sally off the street. This is someone I had issues with for a long time. Even after the main issue passed and was no longer relevant, issues were still there. So if anything is happening I truly feel like I should know. My girlfriends get it. Because if they do end up dating and I had no idea it was coming, I would FFFFFFUCKing kill someone. I mean I'd want to kill someone regardless, but I would actually kill someone if I didn't know. But if I found out now, I would cut them both off and be done with it, and not have to see it. Hear about it. Deal with it. And she would be aware like: are you fucking dumb, no I would never be cool with you ever again.

He can do whatever he wants. That's not the issue, it's not why I'm bothered, or mad. It's that it's her. And it would be incredibly shady of her. And it would shatter my friendship with him. Completely shatter it.

But whatever, no one wants to tell me the truth right now. And all these people that don't are going to be the ones I plan to murder if the time comes.

.

Like are you shitting me. I'd rather you date that other weird looking girl you were talking to before! What is this madness. 

I'm over it

Over it. Done. I mean I would appreciate it if the next girl he saw was a fucking bombshell because then I would be like okay duh. But it's not in this case. And that's okay cause, it just makes me realize that I'm way too good for him.. I need my ego to be at a ten for a while, so I can coast through this, so bare with me people.

Friday, November 15, 2013

Sometimes I scroll down my tumblr, and I'm just like ugh, I love it so much. I'm so proud of it. I'm proud of my blog too. But I don't express myself in images, or every single quote here. So if you want to know who I am even more that's the another great place to do it.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Breaking News

I unfollowed and blocked him off instagram and gave a blocking from my news-feed on facebook. Finally, I was ready to do it.

I was telling my friend just now, which I didn't really realize or say out loud till I spoke to her. I thought I could handle it. I thought I could handle us being cool. But I wasn't handling it. Every time we rarely spoke I was being hopeful and sucking up being in the friendzone the whole time. And that just wasn't healthy.

I've let go of that. My sanity and emotional stability is so so much more important.

Panic attack from start to finish.

I went to sushi. And I ate a lot. I was feeling a little on the sick side. But now that I saw him post a photo of another girl, with a caption calling her cute on instagram. I literally started hyperventilating. Like I was starting to be into this other guy I`ve been getting to know and he`s been awesomely distracting. But seeing him move on, like even though I know he had. Seeing actual evidence of it. Literally made me feel sick enough to throw up.

I already ate way too much and I started to gag. Everything about it makes me sick. My jealousy, my anger, the feelings I have, that I ate so much god damn sushi. I just want to drown everything out right now.

I almost started to cry, but I literally didn`t any more tears. It was weird. I felt the urge too. And nothing.

Anyway, I guess any assumptions I had before are all settled. I need to unfollow him on instagram and remove him from my news-feed. I need to. I really really really need to. Because seeing more of it is just going to rip me apart each and every time.

Wow. And how convenient is that I come across this perfect thought catalog article titled 15 Things You Realize When You Lose Love Again. Not that I lost love, cause I'm not calling it love, but I bring it up because some of the ones on this list are so relevant and helping me relax.

3. That you actually don’t want to settle for love you’re uncertain about or someone who doesn’t want you, no matter how much it would be comforting to be back in their arms.
4. That love never means what you think it does at the end of the day. The concept of it, and the way you understand it, is always evolving.

8. The unmatched healing power of friends who actually want to listen to you analyze the situation for the thousandth time, and who will sit down and say, “Remember when you felt this way about so-and-so? I do. Eventually you’ll feel the same way about this one too.”
10. What you deserve. There are few things more empowering than walking away from a relationship knowing you inherently deserve more.
13. That it’s not pathetic to want to be loved, but the process of getting to a place where you feel that way often feels like nothing but.
14. The importance of a great counselor who knows your story, and not necessarily a professional one, just some wise person in your life who always seem to know what direction you need to be led in.
15. That romantic love isn’t the most important thing there is, and that happiness is not the product of what someone gives you, but that which you take for yourself.

I'm okay now. I think I actually needed it. I think I was seeing what I wanted to see for a long time. And the truth was starting to be visible (specially from our short last conversation). But after that photo, it just make everything really clear. We can't be friends. I clearly can't be just friends with him. Or by now, it would be easier to stand back like this. What we had ran it's course and I need to remember how amazing I am. 

“You can ask the universe for all the signs you want, but ultimately, we see what we want to see when we’re ready to see it.”

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

David Bowie is.. Forever.

Today I went to the Art Gallery of Ontario for the David Bowie exhibit, it's been a long day and I want to sleep but I will get this out while I'm still in awe. It was absolutely one of the best things I think I've ever spent my money on. And it wasn't even a lot of money! I feel like they should have charged me more.

It was so incredible and way more than I would ever even thought it would be. There was so much detail, so many different components to experience so many different ways. I feel like my description isn't doing it justice. Me and my friend were there for two hours (which flew by!) and we STILL felt like that wasn't enough time! She had to go to class and we had to pick up the pace at the end. Even at the end the last couple rooms were mind blowing.. even at the friggin end.

He's so inspiring I couldn't take it. It made me feel so tiny on my scale of how I express myself. He does so much and he's outstanding in all of it. It made me feel tiny but it made me feel like I could be doing so much more. It explained his story, and you can see that we all have to start from somewhere. He was just lucky enough to drop out of school and dedicate every waking minute to it.

I was always a fan of David Bowie and respected him as an artist but I was never super familiar with his career or a ton of his music. That is something that's definitely changed after today. My respect and admiration is through the roof, and his older music which I need to get on looking up is beyond awesome.

I feel like everyone who has a love for music like me needs to go to this and be moved by the hard work, and creativity that has literally been oozing out of this man since he was a pre-teen.

Monday, November 11, 2013

“Say it before you run out of time. Say it before it’s too late. Say what you’re feeling. Waiting is a mistake.”


This is what I've been saying!

Saturday, November 9, 2013

I'm in awe of her talent.. This is so good.

I was 19 when I finally stopped opening the door for unrequited love.
I was 20 when I first learned that 
courage tasted like bitter wine and metal. Like blood and honey.
When I told you I loved you,
I screamed it. I felt it rip
it’s way out of my throat, and 
it felt so good that I cried.
The other day, you walked by me
with your friends and I could feel the pity in your stare.
Don’t you do that.
Don’t you look at what I had for you and call it weak.
Not when you were the one afraid of it.
I stood there with my hands open,
my mouth bruised tender with supplication.
Don’t you dare treat me like a victim of my own emotions, like being
moved to my knees by love
was a mistake that I regret.
I will go to my grave with the memory
of the bravery in my bones.
I am not ashamed of any of it.
Not the closed door in my face
or the static silence of my phone
for weeks after.
I was not afraid.
I am still not afraid.
I will never be afraid again.
Bring in the beasts with teeth
like tree branches.
Bring in all the men who will never love me.
Bring in the monsters with
faces carved out of stone. 
I am not afraid. 
They can eat me alive.
I am not afraid.
I will cut my way out of their bellies.
I am not afraid.
Never again.
— Unrequited | Caitlyn S.

Long way to go

I really want to try and get into the habit of trying my best to write everyday. Emphasis on try my best. Normally something only really comes at night. Only at night. Like when I'm trying to fall asleep and I'm too lazy to get up and write it down. But I've been doing good with remembering. Last two pieces I've written I submitted to a website. So we'll see how that goes. No details as of yet, just in case I hit disappointing news. But I'm hopefully. If anything I'll keep trying, no matter what.

They're two submissions that are pretty personal, one is personal but it's nothing super juicy or anything it's just what's been going on and how I've been dealing with it. That sounds like a terrible explanation but you'll have to wait and see. If they don't get published they're going straight up here. The next one is actually personal. It's about missing people. That was the most obvious description I could have given.

I don't want to be cocky, or get my hopes up. But some of the stuff I'm most proud of is the stuff that's extra personal. So having it shared would be amazing, it's just having the people I actually know seeing it. I don't know who checks this out, but there are a lot of people that don't so I feel like I have so much freedom and confidence to express every thought, in every inch of my mind. Because I don't think my friends and family are reading it. My point is, if I want to get my writing on the "big stage" of other websites, I'm going to have to open up. Which means sharing my excitement and how proud I am with those in my life means they're going to see that. I don't know if I'm necessarily scared for these moments, I try to be as vague as I can be so the people around me won't know who I'm talking about. But what if I'm asked questions? What if people clue in I'm talking about them? What if people thinking I'm whining or too emotional? What if people think I'm exaggerating? Or that it's crap and they can do way better? That last one is probably at the top of the list. Sometimes since I know I have such a long way to go I wonder if people will look at what I write and simply say who am I to call myself a writer, they can do better, anyone can do that. It's a terrible self-defeating thought. And I know if anyone, in my life at least does think that way -- they're cut. But I just want people to be inspired and relate to what I have to say. I want it to bring positivity. Ew. As cheesy as that sounds.

Anyway, cross your fingers for me. That this works out. If it doesn't I'll understand though. Competition is tough out there.

Everytime

“Don’t ever put your happiness in someone else’s hands. They’ll drop it. They’ll drop it everytime.”
— One For Sorrow

Friday, November 8, 2013

I can't see myself taking a real liking to this thing..

I kinda wanted to make a tweet just now. Which is an absolute first for me. But I got nothing. I'm so used to expressing myself longer I don't even know what to say. I feel like I'm not entertaining enough to shove an amusing or interesting thought into a tweet. I dunno, I know I don't need to take it so seriously, but I don't want to use this thing for saying pointlessness every second. I want to actually care about what I say, or at least put thought into it. But then that's left me, with 0 tweets so far.

Maybe because currently nothing is happening. I'm having a grandma night where I'm actually about to go to sleep soon and the last thing I wanted to share, I made a status on facebook about it (first trip to NYC will be to see the arctic monkeys at madison square garden! Craziness!). So I will just seem and feel repetitive. Honestly, the whole thing is just silly. Who cares. Who cares about my life. I'm basically forcing people to care. On all of these outlets. Now I'm starting to feel bad looking at it that way. I know I don't do it as excessively as most people though, those people shouldn't be able to sleep at night. Maybe I just don't care enough about the handful of people who follow me to share something with them. (considering it's mostly random accounts. I don't even know how they found me)

I'll think of something. Don't worry. Stay tuned.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

At some point you will realize that you have done too much for someone or something; that the only next possible step to do is to stop. Leave them alone. Walk away. It’s not like you’re giving up, and it’s not like you shouldn’t try. It’s just that you have to draw the line between determination and desperation. What is truly yours will eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be.

It was so so so good while it lasted...

The day has finally come. Where I have created a twitter. Dear god, what is happening. I'm going to make this as bearable as I possibly can for myself and follow the absolute necessary people. Because there are too many people posting too much bullshit on this website.

@paulajessreid
if any of you would like to be awesome and follow me and keep track of all the sass I'll be tweeting.

Essentially it's for the music magazine that I write for (88magazine.com) if I wasn't a part of this I wouldn't even make one.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Days are gone

I don't know what took me so long to download this album since it came out end of September, but Days are Gone by Haim is an absolute amazing piece of work. I'm so in awe of these girls. I can't handle it. Every track is so incredibly tight.

“Write something true. Write something frightening. Write something close to the bone. You are on this planet to tell the story of what you saw here. What you heard. What you felt. What you learned. Any effort spent in that pursuit cannot be wasted. Any way that you can tell that story more truly, more vividly, more you-ly, is the right way. So holler. Tell it loud and tell it bright and tell it slant and tell it bold. Tell it with space whales and silent films or tell it with quiet desperation or tell it with war or tell it with dragons or tell it with tall ships or tell it with divorce in the suburbs or tell it with dancing skeletons and a kraken in the wings. Tell it fast before you get scared and silence yourself. You’ll never wish you’d held back a little more.”

— Catherynne M. Valente


 NaNoWriMo Pep Talk November 5, 2013

Monday, November 4, 2013

No one is that amazing

If you have to speculate if someone loves you and wants to be with you, chances are they don’t. It’s not that complicated. Don’t waste moments waiting and wondering. Don’t throw away your time dreaming of someone that doesn’t want you. No one is that amazing, certainly not the one who would pass you up.
— Donna Lynn Hope

Before I say Hello

Have you ever missed someone, but you just literally want to punch them in the face?
Like you want to see them, and you'll be happy when and if you do but when it happens, the first thing you need to do is hit them. 

That's me right now. 

Sunday, November 3, 2013

A Love Letter To The Boys Who Can’t Love Back
This was so relevant, it was from someone, who repeatedly gets rejected and humiliated and plays up emotions that aren't there. Which I admit to doing time and time again. But it couldn't have been expressed more perfectly. Every single part of it.

" Because there are only so many times you can get rejected before you start to realize that it isn’t the end of the world, regardless of how it might feel in the moment. Eventually, you understand that happiness and validation aren’t limited resources that you must siphon from everyone who shows you even brief attention, but rather something that you will have to enter into any relationship carrying a healthy supply of. "

"Although I know that you were perhaps colder to me than you should have been, our real problem was incompatibility. You wanted someone, you just didn’t want me, and that was the hardest thing to accept by far. But now that I understand it, I have gained a certain kind of sympathy for you. There’s something wonderful in knowing that I can stop torturing myself with questions of what I could have done differently, because my only mistake was being who I am. And you don’t know it, and you never will, but I am pretty great."

Friday, November 1, 2013

A Surprising, But Relaxing Thought

I can feel you slipping away. In my mind that is. Considering you're already gone. I can feel you becoming an after thought. Sometimes an after, after thought. Before you were at the forefront, always. It's a terrible thing to say, but you were. That was your spot for several months. About six if we're going to be exact. That's counting from the very beginning. Until now.

I told my friend you were worth it. I said that. It was the first time I've ever said something like that about you, and it made me question everything. Like are you? Is any of this? Why was I so fast to say that to explain myself. I'm still on the fence about it.

I'm not saying I've forgotten about everything, or that I'm over it yet. I still miss you, everyday. It's just, I was so set on fighting for you, if the time again. If the right amount of time passed and I still felt this way. But my point is, at this rate I feel like I'm not going to. I can't tell what will happen but that's what's been on my mind lately. It's sort of freeing in a way. I mean I was holding on for a reason, cause I couldn't let go of the idea that we could work. I knew we could work. I felt it. It was like I was trapped in thinking that. But having you cross my mind less. Reminds me how I probably don't cross your mind. It makes me feel like I'm finally catching up to the situation.


Either way, everything is going to work out fine.
“You matter as much as the things that matter to you. And I got so backwards trying to matter to him. All this time, there were real things to care about: real, good people who care about me, and this place. It’s so easy to get stuck. You just get caught in being something, being special or cool or whatever, to the point where you don’t even know why you need it; you just think you do.”
-- John Green
“I feel like my life is so scattered right now. Like it’s all the small pieces of paper and someone’s turned on the fan. But, talking to you makes me feel like the fan’s been turned off for a little bit. Like things could actually make sense. You completely unscatter me, and I appreciate that so much.”
- John Green 

I loved this


15 Rookie Mistakes People Make When They Start Dating

15. Giving too many fucks.

If it has been a while and they aren’t putting the effort forth to move the relationship forward, they’re probably just not that into you. Oh? What’s that you say? They still text you and ask to hang out every once in a while?? DOESN’T MATTER. Know why? Because people are fucked up. You’re just something to do until someone better comes along. If that’s the case, be smart enough to walk away. Life’s too short for douche canoes who mess with your head.

Best one.