Monday, March 25, 2013

“One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman’s emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax.”

— Osho

Sunday, March 24, 2013

That horrible anxiety attack filled evening, where I must have been on drugs or something, because I thought I was ready to hang out with my ex and others. But then I remembered talking on a computer isn't the same as real life, and realized what the fucking shit was I thinking, and after almost starting to cry on multiple occasions, it's obvious I'm not the tiniest bit ready. And I won't be. For a long time.


..But of course I had to have put myself in the worst situation ever to figure that one out.

Friday, March 22, 2013

so close yet so far

I feel like every year when winter's almost done and I'm all pissed off and miserable and just over it, a huge amount of anticipation and excitement for the summer consumes me. Then summer arrives and it's not always what I thought it would be. Normally at least. I mean it still turns out awesome, but in my mind I create these incredibly high expectations for what is going to happen. As if I'm going to grow a money tree, and become a whole new person with the amount of things I think I'll do, people I'll meet and so on. This time around I'm trying to let go of that anxiousness. I'm just going to be thankful for the coming of great weather, a new tattoo, the beach, seeing the friends and family I love and that's it.

oh and hopefully I'm blessed with a full time job.  

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

everything happens for a reason.
everything happens for a reason.
everything happens for a reason.

everything happens for a reason.
everything happens for a reason.



..and 
whatever's meant to be will happen on its own.

Monday, March 11, 2013

When crying stops you from falling asleep.

why does something I thought was such a good decision feel like such a mistake.
The last thing I want do is mess with people's feelings, but I can't stop crying and feeling like absolute shit.
Nor can I see the light at the end of this horrible heartbreaking tunnel.

I just want to run back in time. and Undo so much.

I just want someone to tell me if what I did makes any sense. If I'm on the right track.

I just want to sleep for the next 5 months and not feel this much pain.

I just want my best friend back. I know things won't be the same after this for a long time. And, if you were able to see how hysterical I am, you would know I can't handle waiting for that time to come

Friday, March 8, 2013

my conscience

When I'm going through something. Something serious that's consuming my thoughts, or stressing me out, but I can't just talk to anyone about it, it makes it ten times harder. For example I can't go to my absolute best friends for something's, the girl who's comforted me and ripped me a new one during my heartbreak and bad decisions. It's as if I know what she will say, and I'm scared to hear the truth. Because if I'm going to get the truth with my number one interest at heart from someone who knows everything about about everything about me its her. Since I've been hearing her harsh but truthful words for so many years I can just create them in my mind, tone of voice, word for word.

So when I feel like I can't even talk to her about something, I already pretty much know the truth. I'm just going through a secret intense case of denial. Which eats me up inside, and makes me feel horrible for not even telling her to begin with.

The whole thing sounds so silly. But I've never looked at it, as though I'm running away from hearing what I should do, or running away from her telling me something that I don't want to hear.

I'd like to think of myself as a fearless person, and doing what I want or what makes me happy, is a super 100% great part of who I am and my life. But no.. It is the root cause of some horrible situations.