let's pretend this blog has a different title.

        Today, I'm in the mood to complain. I'm saying fuck that to staying positive. If I can be optimistic most of the time, just to make myself feel better.. I should be able to have my time to give up and feel sorry for myself. I've spent most of my day, being miserable and stressed and disappointed in my past decisions, and my current situation.

        I've been saying "it's not fair" and "I just want to drop out, imagine how care free I would be" along with "I wish I could just run away"

        I realize these are all statements that lead to copping out, and giving up but at this very second, I want to. I've been stressing about the same things for three years now and I'm incredibly close to my breaking point. It never gets easier and I don't see it getting any better any time soon either.

        It all also stems from the idea that, many people I know don't have to worry about the same things I do, and get to sail through carefree because they're simply just luckier than I am. The way I look at is, at random, this is the situation I have ended up in and those are the way better situations they have ended up in, and like mentioned before "it's not fair."

        To be cliché for a second, these are the cards I have been dealt in life.. but these are some stupid fucking cards that are making me really upset.


end rant.

look at me, getting all deep.

“if you’re brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello.”  - Paulo Coelho

        Another one of the many quotes that have stuck out to me. Not like I'm in any sort of situation to want to say goodbye to anyone. I just thought of people I know who are relationships, that seem like they feel sort of trapped. 

        And I feel like sometimes that happens because people are scared and terrified they won't find anyone to love them or whatever in the future, which is a situation I would hate to be in. But one I also wouldn't be able to handle being in, considering when it comes to the point where you feel stuck, you're also no longer willingly in the relationship. Which is a horrible feeling, and it doesn't sound too enjoyable doing that either, as unappealing as saying goodbye to someone may be.

         I just feel like some people forget that everything will work out on it's own, and you can't control everything so tightly. If you're not happy with someone there's no reason why you wont be able to have another chance being happy with someone else. Not even in the case where you want to move on, but even if they've hurt you in some way. No one should feel obligated to stay with that person and suffer through moving past that while struggling to gain trust again, which probably won't come back.  I know sometimes the length of time and effort invested, is always something that is discouraging, but this quote speaks for it self. If you grow the balls, good shit will happen. 

today I'm thankful for

         I'm a pretty optimistic person 99.9 % of the time. I don't think it's really ever that hard and it always makes things much easier to handle. So in these last couple weeks before I want to collapse and sleep for all of the holidays, I've decided to share a list of things I'm thankful for regardless of everything I could essentially be really bummed out about.

my ipod + dock 

because being able to play my music out loud constantly, really makes me feel better

a warm bed 

these winter months, this will forever be on my list and I couldn't possibly take this for granted 

my university education 

after taking a year off, I've never strayed for my desire to make sure I get my BA, though the finances are going to be a struggle

a loving significant other 

although we get on each others nerves, I see myself sharing my future with no one else 

a cell phone aka my life 

I absolutely hate paying the god damn bill for this thing every month, but not being connected to my homies would upset me terribly 

modern family 

this show cheers me up so much, it makes me die of laughter and the characters are perfection. 

new friends at school 

they don't even realize it but I really appreciate the way they've accepted me into their circle, for a while I pretty much had no one. We've gotten so close already and I can't wait till they're all 19!

A JOB

oh man, I can't believe I forgot to mention this one. After quitting one giving me a good amount of hours due to unhappiness, I was on the hunt for about two months and luckily a retail store thinks I'm capable of employment there. Now I just need to not fuck up and stay there.   

I think that is about it for now.

sunday

        Sometimes, being unproductive is really hard for me. I think it might be because when I am in a serious work mode, it's for long periods of time, like when I say I'm going to sit down and "start" something I end up finishing it. I am far beyond my high school procrastination days and have moved on to a less stressful more organized life.

       But today, I took on a totally opposite character than the one I just explained, the most I can say I've accomplished is the tons of music I've downloaded. Which is a major accomplishment because now on my bus rides I don't have to take the entire trip skipping songs because "shuffle songs" on my ipod hates me.

       I can pretty much afford to have 24 hours of doing nothing because I'm on the ball with pretty much everything, it's just hard for me to process sometimes that I've done nothing when this whole semester I've been on a tight day by day work schedule. It's been incredible enjoyable though.

       Then there is my boyfriend, the ultimate procrastinator who I struggle to sympathize. As he stresses and makes no time for me because he has to start and finish everything due that is coming up very soon. I'm trying to be a good influence, and help him out but my habits have become second nature over the span of a couple years,  and he needs a miracle worker.



currently listening to:  crystal castles - III album.
its amazing. check it out!

Patience Is Not My Strong Suit

            I am seriously surprised I don’t suffer from anxiety attacks. Not that I wish I did because I am fully aware of the results they can have on a person.  It’s because of the amount of things I stress, get anxious, and worry about that are out of my control, and yet I’m able to carry out my day like a normal human being. I mean kudos to me but sometimes I just want to run away, and explode. 

            It’s weird though, because when it comes to a lot of other things or people that don’t specifically concern me, I never have any fucks to give. My family, have even pinned this characteristic on me, there’s the voice of reason, my brother, my loud and moody sister, and then me who just doesn’t care. So for something to effect my emotions and make me freak out means I’m either obsessed with it or it’s just very important to me.

            This is the first thing that comes to mind to write about because as soon as I woke up today, I became incredibly anxious about getting tattoos.. again, because if we’re gonna be serious here, it happens often.  Now, if anyone out there reading knows me on a personal level or even if you don’t, just check out my tumblr and my obsession is pretty obvious. What makes me anxious is the fact that living under the roof I am now I can’t even begin, all the plans I have. Since those two people who gave me life will go to either two extremes, give me a box to live in, or chop off the body part that has ink. (even though I do have one already that says “Stay True” on my ribs, but that’s not hard to hide) This burns my soul thinking about when I will be able to afford to move out and start getting bigger pieces on more noticeable places on my skin.  At this broke university student rate, the thought of how far from now that will be makes me want to throw up.

            Then after I’ve slowly and painfully processed those ideas, I think about all the sessions and time they’re all going to take to complete, where I picture myself as some old lady sitting in a tattoo parlour. And that is just not what I have planned for my life.

            In all honesty, this one the biggest, first world problems that gets to me, and there are many more, for example one that probably should take a higher spot, my second semester tuition I’m going to have to pull out of my ass. But Life goes on.. 

five albums that have brought me this far.

        The other day I was sitting with my boyfriend and he asked me if I had to listen to five albums for the rest of my life what would they be. I’m sure this isn’t a super unique question, but it was the first time I’ve been asked it. 

          This is where I shall share with you my answer, now my thought process was entirely based on the albums I listened to on a constant basis for long periods of time. I feel like that’s a good indicator it deserves to be chosen: 

1) Bring me your love – City and Color 

2) My beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy – Kanye West

3) Selfish Machines – Pierce the Veil

4) Speak Now  - Taylor Swift

5) Lungs – Florence and the Machine

           Looking at them all sitting there on the list, makes me realize how random they all are but that's okay. Effortlessly I covered pretty much around every major genre of music which I thought was cool.  These albums in one way or another I found I could really relate to or understand really well which made me fall in love even more.  Then there is Kanye West's album which, should be on everyone's list in the entire planet. It also brought me to the conclusion that I’m sure I would need them to help get me through life again in the future.

            Just so we all know, in no way am I ashamed T-swift made it on that list because I am a pretty good sized fan. (even though she’s not the best live singer in the world, I'll give the haters that much.)

            If for a crazy reason, someone reading this has not heard any of those albums listed above, you need to get your shit together.
  

If you haven't noticed

         Under my links, there is no twitter account. It's not because I'm trying to keep it some sort of top secret, I simply don't have one. I honestly don't even think I'm missing out on anything, the super important tweets I always find out in one way or another and that's good enough for me.

         This brings me to the reason why I even created this blog to begin with. I have a sister who has a pretty decent size on-line following, with a youtube (she slacks on videos now), writing, public speaking and styling. She is constantly saying that I absolutely have boost to my "on-line presence" if I'm going to be a successful journalist, or work in the media in the future. Insisting I must get a twitter. Being as stubborn as I am, although I take becoming a professional writer seriously, I don't think it's a good enough reason to be sucked into something that I don't want to. Therefore as a compromise I said I would start a blog.

        Today, I finally stopped being lazy and stuck to my word. This is where I can begin documenting and sharing my thoughts and feelings as I continue my journey through life, finding a career, achieving my goals, knocking stuff off my bucket list and so on.

        Not that I'm incredibly confident this is something that will give me any sort of "on-line presence" my sibling speaks of, but who knows.